Andy Botwin Quotes
Andy Botwin: I paid for a full ounce, they f**king cheated me!
Nancy Botwin: They f**king saved your ass from going to jail!
Ms. Greenstein (Attorney): Still, that's very uncool.
Nancy Botwin: Andy, today it was brought to my attention that the downside to this business is death, so right now I'm not thinking about "the bakery" I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.
Andy Botwin: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Nancy Botwin: Okay, now I pledge never to die.
Andy Botwin: Hey, what do you think is better "Jesus say relax" or "I'm to sexy for my Lord?"
• Vote for this Quote! • August 27th, 2007Andy Botwin: Look kids, Chris is risen!
• Vote for this Quote! • August 27th, 2007Andy Botwin: [to Shane, re: masturbating] Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4-5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your d**k like a f**kin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack catchers - specifically, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Okay. Class dismissed.
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • August 27th, 2007Andy Botwin: How can you be so blindly pro-Bush?
Doug Wilson: I like his wife Laura... I used to buy weed from her at SMU.
Cop: Sir, you do realize you just rolled through a stop sign?
Andy: Nice bike. Did your horse die?
Cop: Sir –
Andy: You must be in killer shape. Let me see your quads man.
Cop: May I see your driver’s license and registration please.
Andy: When you arrest people do you ride ‘em in on your handlebars or do they just sit on the back with their arms around you?
Cop: Step out of the car.
Andy: Oh, come on. Seriously? I’m just having fun. You’re a cop in bike shorts. It’s adorable.
Cop: I have a gun.
Andy: Cool, I’m cool.
Nancy: This is my business. This has nothing to do with you. Go downstairs, do what you do best. Patrol the couch in your underwear.
Andy: Look, this is different. This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.
Andy: Yeah, I cook, you sell. Come on, Nanc. I don’t mind you being out there in front, I’m totally liberated. It’s me and you, babe, Team Botwin.
Nancy: Please leave.
Andy: I will, just as soon as you sign these papers. There’s no water in this tub!
Nancy: I can’t do this right now.
Andy: You have to. Doug says if you don’t hurry, they’re gonna put a vitamin store in there. And this town does not need more gingko biloba. It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign.
Andy: Runway?
Doug: You know, that piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls, or asshole and vagina - that’s called a runway.
Andy: That’s called a taint, taint ass, taint equipment.
Doug: What the hell’s that mean? No, I think runway’s much more visually descriptive.
Andy: It’s a taint.
Doug: Runway.
Andy: Taint.
Doug: Runway!
Andy: Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between a d**k and an asshole?
Lupita: The coffee table.