Barney Stinson Quotes (Page 2)
Barney: [About his brother] He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!
Lily: He's exactly like Barney.
Barney: That's what I just said.
Barney: Hi, have you met me?
• Vote for this Quote! • March 31st, 2007 Lily: This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!!
Marshall: That's YOU?
Robin: Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.
Robin Sparkles: Please, Mr. Johnson. I'm sorry I was a bad girl. Please don't give me detention. Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you?
Ted: Oh. My. God.
Barney: Well, obviously, I've been proven right. So, in the interest of Robin's dignity, I won't show any more. Plus, it's getting late; it's already Slap o'clock. [slaps Marshall]
Robin: What the hell was that?
Barney: Ah, I slap-bet Marshall that you did porn, so, I win.
Robin: Porn?? I wish it was porn; it would be less embarrassing.
Barney: Fine, if you wanna know what Robin's secret is...
Ted: You know??!
Barney: Of course I know. She couldn't look at us. Her face got flushed. That's shame, my friend. Our friend Robin used to do porn....wait for it....ography!
Ted: Yea, we didn't really need to wait for that. And it's ridiculous!
Lily: I don't know. He could be right. She does have the fake orgasm noises down.
Ted: Hey!
Lily: What? The walls are thin.
Ted: That's not what I was 'hey'-ing you about.
Marshall: Um...hey, I'd like you guys to officially meet Chloe.
Ted: Hi.
Chloe: Hi.
Barney: Hi.
Chloe: It's nice to meet you guys. I'll be right back.
Marshall: Okay. [points her to restroom] It's right back there. [after she's out of sight] Right?! Right?!!! She's HOT! And she likes me; she likes Italian food, I also like Italian food. She likes Billy Joel; I also like....music. And I think...uh...we'll go out again!
Barney: Dude, you gotta ditch her.
Ted: Obviously.
Marshall: Wha...why?
Barney: She's got the..'Crazy Eyes'.
Ted: Dude...the eyes...they're CRAZY.
Marshall: What are you guys talking about, the 'Crazy Eyes'?
Barney: It's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi.
Ted: Nope, just pupils.
Barney: It's an indicator of future mental instability.
Marshall: She does not have the 'Crazy Eyes!
Ted: You just can't see it because you're afflicted with 'Haven't Been Laid In A While Blindness'.
Barney: She was too far away in the coffee place, but when I saw her up close just now...
[flashback to about one minute ago]
Marshall: Hey, I'd like you guys to officially meet Chloe.
Ted: Hi.
Chloe: Hi.
Barney: Hi.
Chloe: It's nice to meet you guys.
[as she shakes Barney's hand, her eyes start spinning and glowing red]
Ted: [commenting on Marshall's Pumpkin Latte joke] Alright, there's only two reasons she'd laugh at that: one, it's the first joke she's ever heard, or two, she likes you! You should totally ask her out.
Marshall: You think?
Ted: Yea! That's why you're not back with Lily, right? So you can experience what it's like to be single.
Marshall: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes it on all the cups?
Ted: Mine says 'Ted'. No heart.
Barney: Mine says S..Sw...Swarley. How'd they get 'Swarley' from 'Barney'? Who would ever be called Swarley?
[Marshall and Ted grin]
Barney: Oh please don't start calling me Swarley.
[Marshall and Ted continue grinning]
Barney: This would never happen at a bar! [he leaves]
Ted: Man, what's up with Swarley?
Marshall: I know. You almost never see ol' Swarles get that upset.
Ted: Psshh.
Ted: So I guess that decides it.
Marshall: Yep.
Barney: Hanging out at a coffee place not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
Ted: ...Hey, what's that?
Marshall: What?
Ted: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name! [in a sing-song voice] Somebody has a crush on you!
Barney: [in a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!
Lily: It hurts my eyes.
Barney: Yeah, it doesn't go away.
Barney: You spooned me against my will.
• Vote for this Quote! • March 31st, 2007
