Brian Quotes
Brian Griffin: Lois, my God, what happened?! We thought you were dead!
Chris Griffin: Mom, we thought Dad killed you!
Lois Griffin: No. He didn't, Chris. But someone tried to.
Peter Griffin: Do you remember who it was?
Lois Griffin: Yes I do. IT WAS STEWIE!
Brian Griffin: I am gonna find the evidence to put you away. Starting by proving that you were on that cruise ship the night Lois disappeared!
Stewie Griffin: No, I wasn't. I was at the carnival with Rupert. Ahh, the carnival with Rupert...
[cutaway to Stewie and the man-version of Rupert seen in Stewie Loves Lois, playing a carnival game]
Stewie Griffin: We won! We won! Do it again, now I want a pink one!
Rupert: Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, okay. Do you wanna go ride the tea bags... tea cups?
Brian Griffin: Hey, where've you been?
Peter Griffin: Ah, I had another date.
Brian Griffin: You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. My date was a stick figure.
[cutaway to Peter sitting at a table with a stick figure taken right from the drawing board]
Peter Griffin: So, uh, I-h-how would this work, in-in bed?
Stick Figure [in a generic man's voice]: Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.
Peter Griffin: That, uh, that sounds--
Stick Figure: Yes, it is very unpleasant.
Stewie Griffin: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brassiere!
Brian Griffin: Oh, ho-ho!
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: No, no, nothing, nothing. That's-thats all part of your diabolical plan to... humiliate her!
Stewie Griffin: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated!
Brian Griffin: Maybe you'll hand-cuff her; She'll hate that.
Stewie Griffin: Then I shall do that as well!
Brian Griffin: And call her a bitch.
Stewie Griffin: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian Griffin: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, and then ... what?
Brian Griffin: No, I mean, that-that would, like ... that, that would show her!
Stewie Griffin: Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?
Brian Griffin: What are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me! when she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails! Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed!
Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your [bursts out laughing] book! [the rest of the family joins in]
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!
Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!
Jillian: Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid!
Brian and Stewie: Really?
Jillian: Well, I don't wanna be your guilty burden, Brian. We're through! [she grabs her cloths and leaves]
Brian Griffin: Jillian, wait! [door slams] Damn it!
Stewie Griffin: I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. [Stewie covers himself, then Brian turns the light out to go to sleep] Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Ju-just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't-don't even think about it. The next person you see, the very next person you see.
Brian Griffin: You don't really think I'm like that, do you?
Lois Griffin: Prove me wrong.
Brian Griffin: All right, I will, Lois. I will ask her to move in with me and you'll see, I've got what it takes.
Brian Griffin: Don't you understand? I don't want a committed relationship with Jillian!
Lois Griffin: Well, it sounds like she does. And if you're never gonna get serious, then you're not being fair to her.
Lois Griffin: Oh, hi, Brian. I thought you were spending the day with Jillian.
Brian Griffin: I was, but Peter took her off my hands. Perfect timing; I've been feeling a little smothered lately. Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel. And I finally have a title.
Lois Griffin: Oh, what is it?
Brian Griffin: "Faster Than the Speed of Love".
Lois Griffin: [chuckles] That is... that is the worst title I've ever heard.
Brian Griffin: No, i-it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country.
Lois Griffin: [laughs] That's the movie Iron Eagle!
Brian Griffin:What? Is that-is that a recent film?