Cleveland Quotes
Peter Griffin: Boy, we, uh, really did a number on each other.
Joe Swanson: You know, I just wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you guys. I was acting like a first-class jackass. I... hope that you can forgive me.
Cleveland Brown: Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back.
Peter Griffin: And once our injuries heal up, we'll all go for a nice, long walk.
Joe Swanson: ALL RIGHT! YEAH-- wait a minute!
Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire: AHHH!
Cleveland Brown: What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?
Peter Griffin: 651.
Cleveland Brown: That's not bad.
Joe Swanson: Better than mine.
Cleveland Brown: Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself?
Peter Griffin: He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.
Glenn Quagmire: I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, 'cause I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that ... that seems like it's more her market.
Joe Swanson: This is stupid! I WANT TO TALK ABOUT VAGINAS!
Glenn Quagmire: Would you have sex with Cleveland if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie?
Peter Griffin: Uh... yeah, yeah, I'd probably do it.
Glenn Quagmire: Hang on, hang on... Missionary, and you have to look him in the eye. No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else. [Cleveland looks at Peter]
Peter Griffin: [pause] I think still yes.
Cleveland Brown: Thank you, Peter.
Glenn Quagmire: All right, here's another one. Who would you rather have sex with: a very pregnant Gina Gershon or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident?
Peter Griffin: W-wait, h-hang on, hang on. Look, you know-you know, I-I know this is a men's club, but why does it always have to be about sex? Like, okay, look-- h-how about this? How about this? Who would you rather start a small business with: Janet Reno after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name Is Earl?
Glenn Quagmire: That still sounds like a sex question.
Peter Griffin: It is not.
Joe Swanson: Peter? Peter?
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.
Glenn Quagmire: It's the best show you're not watching!
Cleveland Brown: I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bull crap.
[cutaway to Adolf Hitler on a unicycle juggling fish]
R2-D2 (Cleveland): [opens a hatch and shoots down a "Thai" fighter with a pistol] YEE HAW!! That's how we do it in my neighborhood, bitch!
• Vote for this Quote! • November 6th, 2007 [in 1984]
Cleveland Brown: Oh, hey, Peter. Say, I was just getting ready to hit the town. You wanna join me?
Peter Griffin: Ah, I can't, Cleveland. I got a date with Lois.
Cleveland Brown: It's gonna be fun...
Peter Griffin: It is?
Cleveland Brown: So, how's the job hunt going?
Peter Griffin: Ah, it's awful, Cleveland. Quagmire blew every gig we got him.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, you did a terrible job as my nurse.
[cut to Joe's house, where Quagmire is changing Joe's diaper]
Glenn Quagmire: You make your doo-doos, Joe?
Joe Swanson: Shut up.
Glenn Quagmire [after a bad shot]: GODDAMN IT! COME ON! COME ON! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! COME ON, GLENN! COME ON, GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GODDAMN GAME!
Joe Swanson: Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?
Cleveland Brown: A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.
Peter Griffin: It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! YOU take a bus.
Cleveland Brown: I'm that kind of drunk.
Peter Griffin: Shotgun!
Horace: Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.
Joe Swanson: No!
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, we're just getting started!
Cleveland Brown: Oh, Meg is my least favorite of all your children.
