Cleveland Quotes (Page 3)
Peter Griffin: Hey, hey, I got an idea. Let's play "I Never." You gotta drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland Brown: Oh, I got one. I never slept with a woman with the lights on. [Peter, Joe, and Quagmire drink]
Joe Swanson: I'll go next. Uh, I never had sex with Cleveland's wife. [Cleveland and Quagmire drink]
Peter Griffin: Uh, all right, let's see, uh... I never did a chick in a Logan Airport bathroom. [Quagmire drinks and is nearly passed out]
Peter Griffin: God, let's see, what else is there? Um, I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, God! [drinks]
Joe Swanson: I, uh... I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me while I touched myself.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, come on! [drinks again]
Peter Griffin: Uh, I never did the same thing, but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, God, this is ridiculous! [drinks, and then passes out]
Peter Griffin: Oh, boy, he's out cold. Hey, let's write on him!
Brian Griffin: You... you cannot tell them about this, please. Peter's not very discreet with private matters.
[cut away to overhead shot of Spooner Street]
Peter Griffin: Hey everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: PETER! SHUT UP! IT'S THREE IN THE MORNING!!
Cleveland Brown: What the hell's going on out there?
Glenn Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying I'm proud of her! She's a woman! Yay!
Glenn Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now I am exhausted!
Cleveland Brown: Peter, I can't do this! I'm too nervous. I got to go.
Peter Griffin: No, no, Cleveland, I'm not gonna let you do this. [takes off Cleveland's belt] I'll tie you down, if I have to.
Cleveland Brown: Peter, this is only making it worse! Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in.
Peter Griffin: It's alright, it's alright. It's okay. It's the fabric. It's the fabric. It's your clothes. Let's-let's get your clothes off. [takes off Cleveland's clothes]
Cleveland Brown: Peter? Peter, what's wrong with you? I'm naked!
Peter Griffin: Oh, god, you're self-conscious. I'm sorry. Here, you know what? [takes his own clothes off] Look, look, Cleveland, look. See, see? Now you're not alone. You're not alone, Cleveland.
Children's chorus: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
Peter Griffin: Seven. Seven prostitutes!
Cleveland Brown: This is a shakedown!
Agent Jessup: Mr. Griffin, this isn't going to work.
Cleveland Brown: Yeah! Peter, you and five of those prostitutes, get out!
Meg Griffin: Thanks for letting my friends sleep over, Mr. Brown.
Cleveland Brown: No problem, Meg. If y'all get hungry, there's some cottage cheese in the fridge. I'm gonna get me a spoonful now before y'all have at it.
Cleveland Brown: [in psuedo-Czech ascent] Perhaps here there are many unsuspecting foxes to have sex with us.
Glenn Quagmire: [in psuedo-Czech ascent] That is why we wear tight pants to show our bulges.
Cleveland Brown: [in psuedo-Czech ascent] We are...
Both: Two wild and crazy guys! [Peter walks in, with a hamper full of clothes, looking like a conehead]
Peter Griffin: You guys look stupid.
Peter Griffin: Cleveland, Quagmire's sleeping with your wife!
Lois Griffin: What?
Cleveland Brown: Quagmire slept with Loretta?
Lois Griffin: Oh, oh, my god, Cleveland, I am so sorry. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now.
Cleveland Brown: It's okay.
Brian Griffin: It's okay? It's okay to be betrayed by your wife and best friend?
Cleveland Brown: Better it be Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from.
Lois Griffin: All right, kids. Now everyone stay together. It's very important to your father that we're here for his band's first performance.
Director: The people who beat you are proud to present, all the way from Quahog: "Fat, Horny, Black and Joe."
Peter Griffin: Hello, Cleveland!
Cleveland Brown: Hello, Peter.
Glenn Quagmire: One, Two, Three, Four!
Peter Griffin: Oh my god, we don't know any songs.
Audience: You suck! Get off the stage!
Cleveland Brown: I must say, I do feel a strange satisfaction watching the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins.
Joe Swanson: Can't blame them for being self-righteous, the black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited.
Cleveland Brown: The black ball's done nothing wrong.
Joe Swanson: If the black ball's innocent, it has nothing to fear.
Peter Griffin: Wait a second. Rosenblatt? Greenstein? So you're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money?
Cleveland Brown: Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money.
Peter Griffin: Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones, but-but why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir!
