Diane Simmons Quotes
Tom Tucker: In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High.
Diane Simmons: That's right, Tom. It appears that students have taken to having ear sex in lieu of traditional intercourse.
Tom Tucker: Over 200 reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, prompting a new slogan: "Once you go black, you go deaf."
Diane Simmons: Now let's go to Ollie Williams with the Adopt-a-Pet of the Week.
Ollie Williams: WHO WANTS THIS DOG?!
Diane Simmons: Thanks, Ollie. And now, let's go to Peter Griffin with "You Know What Really Grinds My--" Tom, what are you doing? You don't work here anymore.
Tom Tucker: Well, Diane, I have an exclusive story... and I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
Ollie Williams: DID YOU CHECK YOUR TCP/IP SETTINGS?
Tom Tucker: Yes, I did, Ollie.
Ollie Williams: ENABLE COOKIES?
Tom Tucker: Yes, Ollie.
Ollie Williams: YOU WANT THIS DOG?
Tom Tucker: No, thank you, Ollie.
Diane Simmons: In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty, I finally get my period.
Tom Tucker: Well, Diane, I'm sure you and your brother must be devastated by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been.
Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news: a local family is forced out of their home by ghosts! Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons: Ghostbusters, Tom?
Tom Tucker: No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.
Diane Simmons: Also in the news, some trouble at Saint Phillips church.
Tom Tucker: That's right, Diane, a shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy.
Diane Simmons: Sounds dangerous, Tom. Be careful next time you're at confession telling the priest about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen.
Tom Tucker: Well, at least you're in no danger, Diane, since you only visit church to leave your self delivered, unwashed, half-dead newborns on the back step. Coming up, how to turn your unwanted change into foldin' money.
Tom Tucker: Today, we'll see some of Quahog's finest athletes struggle valiantly against God's twisted designs. You'll cheer, you'll cry, you might even get a cheap laugh or two.
Diane Simmons: I know I will, Tom. In fact, there's the distinct possibility that by the end of the day we'll all be going to Hell.
Tom Tucker: I'll see you there, Diane.
Diane Simmons: Well, it's an exciting day for all here at the Renaissance Faire jousting meet. Wouldn't you say, Tom?
Tom Tucker: Diane, I'd say it was a perfect day if you weren't reminding us of our grandmas' cleavage.
Diane Simmons: Good evening. Tonight's top story. Quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers."
Tom Tucker: They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
Diane Simmons: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. You find this funny, Tom?
Tom Tucker: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?
Tom Tucker: Our top story: the Clam's Head Pub has burned to the ground. Our own Tricia Takanawa is on the scene.
Tricia Takanawa: Is Quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist? Police say no, but our producer says yes. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like [cuts to a picture of a giant, fire-breathing, insect-like monster]. Anyone with information regarding this suspect should contact Quahog police immediately. One thing is certain: the pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen."
Tom Tucker: In a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria...J-J-Jimen...
Diane Simmons: Jimenez.
Tom Tucker: I know what it is.