Dwight Schrute Quotes (Page 3)
Dwight: Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time now. Check out time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight: No, and the sheets are made of fire!
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight: No, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town!
Jim: Can I have a late check out?
[pauses]
Dwight: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You're not the manager...even in your own fantasy?
Dwight: I'm the owner....co-owner. With Satan!
Jim: Okay, just so I understand it...in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell. And you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight: But I haven't told you my salary.
Jim: Go.
Dwight: Eighty thousand dollars a year!
Michael: Please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight: But that's my name. [reads letter] "Dwight, congratulations, a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch."
Dwight: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? I wouldn't do that.
Jim: Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort!
Andy: I really appreciate you letting me work alongside you so closely today.
Dwight: Of course you do, moonface. That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah and nobody likes you.
Dwight: You know what? Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting? He's a homosexual.
Jim: Why don't you run the meeting? You play with dolls.
Dwight: Those are collectible action figures. And they're worth more than your car.
Michael: You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women.
Dwight: I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of, why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community.
Pam: Phallus?
Dwight: Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain.
Dwight: There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over.
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • June 29th, 2007 Jim: [picking up a ticket on his desk] What's this?
Dwight: That is a demerit.
Jim: "Jim Halpert, tardiness." Oh, I love it already.
Dwight: You've got to learn, Jim, you're second in command, but that does not put you above the law.
Jim: Oh I understand. And I also have lots of questions. Like what does a demerit mean?
Dwight: Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim: Lay it on me.
Dwight: Three demerits, and you'll receive a citation.
Jim: Now that sounds serious.
Dwight: Oh it is serious. Five citations, and you're looking at a violation. Four of those, and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in a world of hurt in the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim: Which would be me.
Dwight: That...is correct.
Jim: Okay, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation.
Dwight: What's a dis...what's that?
Jim: Oh, you don’t want to know.
[Dwight is scared]
Dwight: I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
• Rating 4.4 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • June 29th, 2007 Michael: Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that."
Dwight: Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.
Michael: That's how devoted I am to this job.
Dwight: I'm just saying...
Michael: I know.
Dwight: They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade.
Michael: I understand that, Dwight.
Dwight: You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb.
Michael: Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Dwight? And now we're wasting tape. I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut?
Dwight: Cut.
Michael: So I'll know where---
Pam: Cut.
Michael: I'm asking Pam to do it, please.
Pam: Cut.