Jerry Seinfeld Quotes (Page 12)
Jerry: [stand-up] I was in a hotel the other day, and on the back of the door in the hotel they have the fire map. I'm flattered that they think I have it together enough to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the stairs, right by the candy machine...' I'd probably get lost, have to go back to the room, check the map again...and they always tell you, no matter what, whatever you do in a hotel fire - do not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to live, I've never panicked in my whole life - it's my option. Even if they find you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee, I heard they saved you swingin' from the shower curtain naked with an ice bucket on your head. What happened there?' 'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.'
• Vote for this Quote! • June 28th, 2007 Jerry: [about Toby] She got the promotion?
Elaine: Yep.
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Jerry: Too bad.
Elaine: Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for?
Jerry: Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'
Elaine: Why don't you just shut the f-
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy" - I knocked him out cold!
George: How could you do that?!
Kramer: Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.
George: You're Batman.
Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept makin' all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringin' the bell!
Jerry: So you feel "women and children first," in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion.
George: To some degree.
Jerry: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves.
George: In a manner of speaking.
Jerry: Well, it's honest.
George: Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.
Jerry: Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently.
George: Perhaps.
Jerry: [stand-up] To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there... you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it... you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgment. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.'
• Vote for this Quote! • June 28th, 2007 George: The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli! I got about 50 feet out and then suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was 10 stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling, I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Jerry: Now I should tell you at this point she's under the impression the you are a.....
George: A what?
Jerry: A marine biologist.
George: A marine biologist... why am I a marine biologist?
Jerry: I may have mentioned it.
George: But I'm not a marine biologist!
Jerry: I'm aware of that.
George: Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!
Jerry: Something huh?
George: Yeah! How'd she look.
Jerry: She looked great. She asked about you.
George: She did? What did she say?
Jerry: "How's George?"
Kramer: Who wants to have some fun?!
Jerry: I do.
George: I do.
Kramer: Are you just sayin' you want to have fun or do you really want to have fun?
Jerry: I really wanna have some fun.
George: I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.
Jerry: But see, look at the collar, see it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.
Elaine: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight?
Jerry: No! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash! Spin! Rinse! Spin! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!
