Jerry Seinfeld Quotes (Page 23)
Helen: What happened to your eyes?
Jerry: Well I started to go under...
Helen: With the instructor?
Jerry: Yeah, and I got about 10 feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.
Elaine: You see, that's karma.
Jerry: No, that's Kramer.
Jerry: You know, my cousin Douglas was in a place just like this one time. Came over to my house for dinner, there was no soda. And he went berserk. He kept screaming, "Where's the Pepsi? Where's the Pepsi?"
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • June 26th, 2007 Jerry: It's unheard of.
George: She asked me to.
Jerry: So you lie! What did you tell her?
George: I told her that she was pretentious.
Jerry: Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS. They're like the mafia. They can take anything they want.
George: It's okay. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it.
Jerry: Why will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump them.
George: Oh, no. We left on good terms.
Jerry: How is that possible?
George: Because I uh, I told her the truth.
Jerry: Oh my God.
Jerry: So what happened? You gave her my tax papers? My papers?
George: Oh, oh, your papers
Jerry: What happened, you didn't give her the papers?
George: No. I did.
Jerry: So?
George: ... I broke up with her.
Jerry: You what?
George: I broke up with her.
Jerry: I'm being audited! And you broke up with her?
Julianna: I treated you, so please, just get out of the office!
Jerry: Can't you just listen to me?
Julianna: Run Billy! Run to the office and close the door!
Julianna: Have you seen any good movies?
Jerry: Who takes care of your boy during the day?
Julianna: We have a woman. Why?
Jerry: No no. I'm just saying.
Julianna: She had references!
Jerry: I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge them. [referring to the massage] You know I think this is really helping.
Julianna: I don't live near here, ya know!
Jerry: You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?
Julianna: No.
Jerry: He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.
Julianna: Oh.
Jerry: Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy. I could be one of these people.
Jerry: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense... am I wrong?
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • June 25th, 2007
