Joe Swanson Quotes
Peter Griffin: Boy, we, uh, really did a number on each other.
Joe Swanson: You know, I just wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you guys. I was acting like a first-class jackass. I... hope that you can forgive me.
Cleveland Brown: Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back.
Peter Griffin: And once our injuries heal up, we'll all go for a nice, long walk.
Joe Swanson: ALL RIGHT! YEAH-- wait a minute!
Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire: AHHH!
Bonnie Swanson: Oh, Joe, that was amazing!
Joe Swanson: I know. I was there.
Bonnie Swanson: My God, we haven't done it in so long, I'd forgotten how big you were.
Joe Swanson: I was gonna say the same thing to you.
[after leg surgery, Joe and Bonnie are having sex]
Joe Swanson: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! GET SOME! GET SOME! YEAH! SEX! SEX!! SEX!!!
Joe Swanson:Sometimes I feel more useless than the head of the Maid's Union.
[cut away to a maid sitting at the stand in court]
Attorney: And what exactly are your demands?
Maid: We need more Lemon Pledge
Attorney: You need more Lemon Pledge?
Maid: Yes.
Attorney: We're not responsible for that. You should just bring it from your own home.
Maid: Nooooo...
Cleveland Brown: What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?
Peter Griffin: 651.
Cleveland Brown: That's not bad.
Joe Swanson: Better than mine.
Cleveland Brown: Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself?
Peter Griffin: He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.
Glenn Quagmire: I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, 'cause I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that ... that seems like it's more her market.
Joe Swanson: This is stupid! I WANT TO TALK ABOUT VAGINAS!
Joe Swanson: Peter? Peter?
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.
Glenn Quagmire: It's the best show you're not watching!
Cleveland Brown: I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bull crap.
[cutaway to Adolf Hitler on a unicycle juggling fish]
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe, I... thought you were bringing your cop friends over. What are all these parallelograms doing here?
Joe Swanson: You mean paraplegics.
Cleveland Brown: So, how's the job hunt going?
Peter Griffin: Ah, it's awful, Cleveland. Quagmire blew every gig we got him.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, you did a terrible job as my nurse.
[cut to Joe's house, where Quagmire is changing Joe's diaper]
Glenn Quagmire: You make your doo-doos, Joe?
Joe Swanson: Shut up.
Glenn Quagmire [after a bad shot]: GODDAMN IT! COME ON! COME ON! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! COME ON, GLENN! COME ON, GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GODDAMN GAME!
Joe Swanson: Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?
Cleveland Brown: A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.
Peter Griffin: [golfing] Hey, uh, Joe?
Joe Swanson: Oh, don't say it, Peter...
Peter Griffin: No, I was just wonderin', uh...
Joe Swanson: Peter, I swear to God ...
Peter Griffin: What's your handicap?
Joe Swanson: OH, HO HO! OH... EVERY HOLE! THAT'S A JOKE THAT JUST DOESN'T GET OLD!!