Joe Swanson Quotes (Page 2)
Joe Swanson: Good morning, Peter. I'm here to revoke your driver's license.
Peter Griffin: What? Why?
Joe Swanson: We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape.
Joe Swanson: Welcome to the Police Academy. We're gonna start by learing how to do a cavity search. Peter, you will be the police officer, and Quagmire, you will be the suspect. Begin.
Peter Griffin: [puts on rubber glove] Sir, I suspect you are in possession of drugs, and I'm gonna have to give you a full cavity search. Drop your pants.
Joe Swanson: Uh, Peter, you don't have to pull YOUR pants down.
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry, I'm still learning.
Joe Swanson: All right, start the search.
Joe Swanson: That was awesome!
Peter Griffin: Oh my god, that was completely by accident!
Joe Swanson: Oh, Wow. Wow, if I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the SEXUAL THRILL! THE SEXUAL THRILL!!
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • July 24th, 2007 Horace: Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.
Joe Swanson: No!
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, we're just getting started!
Cleveland Brown: Oh, Meg is my least favorite of all your children.
Joe Swanson: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.
Glenn Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?
Seamus: If it's gale-force peeing ye be doin' it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate. Best have sick bay check below your decks.
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute. A-are you telling me I need a prostate exam?
Seamus: Aye. And soon before your rudder jams with flotsam and you're dropping anchor without an order from the captain. How are you liking all these nautical puns?
Joe Swanson: Cute.
Glenn Quagmire: Not bad.
Cleveland Brown: Somewhat entertaining.
Peter Griffin: Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday and... he did things to my fanny! [cries]
Cleveland Brown: Peter, It's okay.
Peter Griffin: It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!
Cleveland Brown: You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts!.
Peter Griffin: He... he did it to you, too?
Glenn Quagmire: I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical - guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig - for his sexual experimentation!
Joe Swanson: You guys are a bunch of queers.
Joe Swanson: Who wears short shorts? I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • July 19th, 2007 [at strip club]
Peter Griffin: C'mon, Quagmire, it's gotta be you. I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor, and Joe's dead from the waist down.
Joe Swanson [getting a lap dance]: AUGHHHHHHHHHH! WHY DO YOU BRING ME HERE!?
Joe Swanson: Oh, I can't do it [eat a steak], I'm...I'm so full.
Peter Griffin: Full of what, estrogen? C'mon, take the skirt off, you pansy!
Joe Swanson: Oh.
Glenn Quagmire: Let's go! Chow down, Mary Jane!
Joe Swanson: I said I can't.
Brian Griffin: Eat it! Eat the damn steak!
Peter Griffin: C'mon, what are you waiting for?
Joe Swanson: I can't. No, no, no...
Glenn Quagmire: Eat it, Joe, eat it!
Joe Swanson: I SAID I'M NOT HUNGRY! [takes out his gun and fires at the steak] WHERE IS IT NOW, HUH? WHERE IS IT NOW?!
Cleveland Brown: Easy, sailor, easy.
Peter Griffin: Put the gun down, Joe.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, nobody's judging you, man. It's cool.
