Joe Swanson Quotes (Page 3)
Peter Griffin: A-Team role call. Face?
Glenn Quagmire: Here and handsome.
Peter Griffin: Murdock?
Joe Swanson: Here, and crazy!
Peter Griffin: B.A.?
Cleveland Brown: I pity the fool, but also suggest many ways that he may better himself.
Peter Griffin: Man, this is gonna be a fun day. Much better than that day I tried TAG Bodyspray for Sick Cats.
[cut to Peter in the store spraying some TAG on himself. Soon, 12 sick cats come up to him yowling]
Peter Griffin: Oh. Oh, oh God. Oh, God. Oh. Oh, no. Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Eww. Eww. Eww. Oh, no, no, no. Oh. Oh, no, no, no, you're cute, you're cute; I-I don't wanna pet you though. Ah, ah... ah, all right. Ah. Oh, oh, oh, what are you gonna do? Oh, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? [the cat vomits] Ah! Oh, no. Okay. No, yeah, no, this-this spray is not for me.
Peter Griffin: Alright, fellas, we've been out here for months, and we all know men have certain needs. And, being that there's no women around, we're gonna have to have an orgy.
[scene cuts to Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe stacked on each other, naked]
Peter Griffin: Uh... anybody horny?
Glenn Quagmire: No.
Cleveland Brown: No.
Joe Swanson: No.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, me neither. Uh, and, uh, whoever's toe that is, uh, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but, uh, I think you can stop.
Joe Swanson: Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this. [a cruise ship passes]
Captain: And if you look off the left side of the ship, you'll see a bunch of homosexuals. [in Spanish] A la izquierda del barco, podemos ver las "fanny bandits."
Peter Griffin: Hey, hey, I got an idea. Let's play "I Never." You gotta drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland Brown: Oh, I got one. I never slept with a woman with the lights on. [Peter, Joe, and Quagmire drink]
Joe Swanson: I'll go next. Uh, I never had sex with Cleveland's wife. [Cleveland and Quagmire drink]
Peter Griffin: Uh, all right, let's see, uh... I never did a chick in a Logan Airport bathroom. [Quagmire drinks and is nearly passed out]
Peter Griffin: God, let's see, what else is there? Um, I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, God! [drinks]
Joe Swanson: I, uh... I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me while I touched myself.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, come on! [drinks again]
Peter Griffin: Uh, I never did the same thing, but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, God, this is ridiculous! [drinks, and then passes out]
Peter Griffin: Oh, boy, he's out cold. Hey, let's write on him!
Brian Griffin: You... you cannot tell them about this, please. Peter's not very discreet with private matters.
[cut away to overhead shot of Spooner Street]
Peter Griffin: Hey everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: PETER! SHUT UP! IT'S THREE IN THE MORNING!!
Cleveland Brown: What the hell's going on out there?
Glenn Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying I'm proud of her! She's a woman! Yay!
Glenn Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now I am exhausted!
Lois Griffin: Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child, Lois! [Lois starts to loosen her grip] NOT MEG! NOT MEG!
Joe Swanson: DO YOU KNOW WHAT A CAVITY SEARCH IS?!
• Vote for this Quote! • July 10th, 2007 Joe Swanson: Here's this month's Victoria's Secret catalog.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, oh God, oh God, uh, uh, uh... dead kittens, dead kittens! Uh, uh, old nuns... uh, really old nuns... uh, Renée Zellweger! [sighs of relief] Ah, there we go.
Cleveland Brown: I must say, I do feel a strange satisfaction watching the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins.
Joe Swanson: Can't blame them for being self-righteous, the black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited.
Cleveland Brown: The black ball's done nothing wrong.
Joe Swanson: If the black ball's innocent, it has nothing to fear.
Peter Griffin: Say, uh, what happened to the car wash thief?
Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
Peter Griffin: Well, looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh?
Joe Swanson: Nope. He's dead.
Joe Swanson: I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him. I gave him a little congratulatory punch on the arm...and then another...and then everything got a little hazy...Kevin went to go live with a foster family for a while. Anyway, it's inevitable.
Peter Griffin: Ah, don't feel bad, Joe. I-I-I think I know why your son beat you. Apparently, you're a, you're a twelve-year-old prepubescent girl. Which is good, 'cause I finally have someone to give this training bra to. Here you go, Josephina. Does that feel good on your new budding bosoms? Eh? Eh? It sure does-
Joe Swanson: GET THE HELL OFFA ME!!!
