Julie Mayer Quotes
Susan: "Julie, that boy drinks, he steals, and now I find him mauling you on my couch? That's it. I forbid you to see him."
Julie: "You can't do that. I choose who I date."
Susan: "Yeah? Well, I choose to ground you. Two weeks, baby."
Julie: "Fine, I'll just see him at school."
Susan: "Well, then you won't go to school. I'll home school you."
Julie: "Right, you're gonna teach me trig? You can't even balance your own checkbook."
Susan: "Oh, I cannot believe your timing. I'm about to fly off to Paris and you're inviting boys over for Oktoberfest."
Julie: "Oh, that's it! Go to your room and finish packing. This conversation's over."
Susan: "The last time I checked, I was the parent."
Julie: "Yeah, well, the last time I checked, I was the daughter who never gave you any reason to doubt her."
Susan: "Okay, I -"
Julie: "And don't play the parent card with me. I just finished packing your suitcase, doing your laundry, and balancing your checkbook. Now I'm going to the store to buy your toothpaste."
Susan: "Well, a simple 'No, I didn't drink beer' would've sufficed."
Austin: "Toothpaste, mouthwash... did somebody get an anonymous e-mail?"
Julie: "Said the boy with the economy-sized acne cream."
Julie: "Normally, I charge 12 bucks an hour for tutoring, but seeing as it's you, 15."
Austin: "Great. See you Friday. Oh, and just so you know, I charge 15 an hour to make out, so I'll probably break even."
Austin: "Oh, what's your project?"
Julie: "Oh, uh, it's complicated."
Austin: "You think I'm too dumb to understand your little science project?"
Julie: "It's not little. I finished third in the state twice. Now can you fix the fuse box or not?"
Austin: "Most houses built after 1990 are wired through a circuit breaker. You didn't blow a fuse. You tripped a breaker. Not to challenge a two-time state science fair almost-champion or anything. Let me grab a flashlight."
Julie: "Maybe you could also grab a shirt and some pants. Pants would be nice."
Susan: "So that’s my number in case there's any change in Mike’s condition. I’m going to the mountains with a friend. And, uh, just in case you were wondering, it’s strictly platonic."
Julie: "He wasn’t wondering."
Julie: "So, is there anything you should prepare me for?"
Susan: "No, no. It's all good. Oh, but you should know that your bed doubles as the dining table, and the toilet's in the shower."
Julie: "Look, I'm not too crazy about this whole fake marriage thing, but if you don't have that operation, you could die. So don't be so hard on yourself. You are a good person."
Susan: "Thanks, hon. That really helps. Okay, now I want you to go over and slip this ring to your father. And just so you know, if Edie catches you, I'm expecting you to swallow it."
Julie: "I know no one's asking me, but I think this whole thing is a tragic mistake and I just don't have it in me to survive another ugly divorce."
Susan: "Don't worry, honey. This time, it is strictly a business arrangement."
Julie: "It better be, 'cause if I see so much as one lingering gaze between the two of you, I swear I'll go to the insurance company and turn you in."
Susan: "So, we shouldn't expect a wedding gift, huh?"
Julie: "Mom, he’s a cute surgeon. What’s the problem?"
Susan: "He’s young."
Julie: "Young?"
Susan: "Younger than me."
Julie: "How much younger?"
Susan: "Let’s just say if I was a senior in high school, I’d be saying, ‘Wow, you’re a hot fifth grader.'"
Julie: "Well, of course it’s going to sound gross if you say it that way. But, you’re both adults so why not just ask him out?"
Susan: "'Cause the conversation could go something like this. 'Dr. Ron, I think you’re hot.' 'Oh. Well, thank you, ma'am. Now I think it’s time we talk about your hip replacement.'"
Julie: "Mom, you’re hot, funny, nice and clearly desperate, and guys are into that. Play to your strengths."
