Larry David Quotes
Larry: What are you? F**kin nuts?
• Vote for this Quote! • September 13th, 2007 Jeff: Hey.
Larry (with cane): Came for my sneaker.
Jeff: What happened to you?
Larry: I fell in the toilet.
Jeff: How did you fall in the toilet?
Larry: I went to go pee and the seat was up.
Jeff: What does that have to do with you?
Larry: I pee sitting down.
Jeff: You pee sitting down?
Larry: Yeah, have you ever tried it?
Jeff: No!
Larry: It's more comfortable, when you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up, and you get to read.
Jeff: What are you reading?
Larry: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
Jeff: What stuff?
Larry: If I pee twenty times a day, I can get through a whole New York Times for God sake!
Jeff: Twenty times?
Larry: Hey buddy, when your peeing all over your shoe, I'm learning something.
Jeff: What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while your learning something?
Larry: ...And how about that hygienist. It's like if you go to a prostitute, and the prostitute goes around and tells everybody that you got a small penis. Not that I've ever been to a prostitute... not that I have a small penis.
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • September 13th, 2007 Larry: Hey Pop, do me a favor?
Nat: MMM?
Larry: Next time you use the bathroom, make sure to keep the seat down.
Nat: What are you p***y-whipped?
Larry: It's not really about her, It's about me, I pee sitting down.
Larry (At Dr. Sol Funkhouser's dentist office, upset as Sol ruined his sleeve):: "Oh, great, look he ruined the shirt, look, look at this cuff, and its flopping all over the place, look at that! whats with him?"
Nurse: "He's not himself right now, his uncle has Hodgkins."
Larry: "Yeah, but it's the good Hodgkins."
Nurse: "I didn't know there was a good Hodgkins."
Larry: "I'm not saying it's a great Hodgkins, It's a good Hodgkins."
Larry: He's a bra-sniffing dog! He's a very good bra-sniffing dog!
• Vote for this Quote! • September 13th, 2007 Larry: Ya know, I really don't like not driving. You should've let me drive.
Cheryl: It's my car.
Larry: Well on the way back, I'm gonna drive.
Cheryl: Why?
Larry: I don't feel I have a personality in this seat.
Cheryl: Pfft.
Larry: No, really. I feel very dull.
Larry: You know what? You gotta stop that grunting.
Cheryl: What are you talking about?
Larry: You grunt every shot. Every shot you hit you go "UHH! UHH!". You make this disgusting noise. You don't hear it?
Cheryl: No.
Larry: What do you mean "no"?
Cheryl: That's how I play tennis. I didn't even know I was doing it.
Larry: Well you grunt every shot and it's really annoying, and it's throwing me off.
Cheryl: Oh! Is that why you're loosing?
Larry: It sounds like pigs f**king!
Cheryl: So Barbara says she's going to have that frame ready for us next week.
Larry: Oh good, see, it paid for me to open my mouth.
Cheryl: And your dentist called and wants us over for dinner Saturday.
Larry: Dr. Blore?
Cheryl: Yeah.
Larry: Wants to have us for dinner?
Cheryl: Yeah. I thought that you'd know what that meant.
Larry: He's my dentist, why is he calling me for dinner?
Cheryl: I don't know.
Larry: What are we gonna talk about, my teeth?
Cheryl: I don't know what to say, I thought you guys talked about it.
Larry: No, I've never mentioned anything to him about getting together socially, I wouldn't mix social and professional, that's a terrible combination. Well, I'm just gonna tell him we're going out of town or something.
Cheryl: Ok.
Larry: Because if we go over his house for dinner then we're gonna have to invite him some place and if we don't invite him then he's gonna be offended, then the next time I go there there's gonna be tension, "I invited you, why didn't you invite me?" You know what I mean? We don't wanna get into that game. I'll need a new dentist soon, there's no question about it. That's the end of this dentist for all intensive purposes, I'm telling' ya, it's already ruined, the whole thing. Everybody's gotta get together, gotta get together, the whole world's gotta get together.
Larry: You can't get sweet potatoes anywhere, have you noticed that?
Cheryl: Everybody's noticed that.
