Lois Griffin Quotes (Page 17)
Meg Griffin: I hope he doesn't wait and get you a gift at the last minute again.
[cut to Lois opening her gift]
Lois Griffin: My goodness, a human thumb! [camera pulls out to reveal Peter shaking, holding his bloody hand under his arm] Where did you ever find this?
Peter Griffin: It was on eBay. Oh, God, call an ambulance!
Lois Griffin: See, Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your [oven bell rings] ...ing eyes out! Cookies are done! Who wants chocolate chip?
Stewie Griffin: Mmm, I do! But... but keep talking. All this stuff about eye-gouging has got me all frisky. Really, I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper.
Chris Griffin: Is Dad mad at me?
Lois Griffin: Oh, of course not, honey. Now, go pick out a box of cereal and meet me at the "10 inches or less" line. I mean items!
Lois Griffin [sees Chris' penis]: Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
Peter Griffin: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter Griffin: OH, MY GOD!
Peter Griffin: [watching game] No foul?! Aw, that's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid calls.
[cut to the Griffins' Living Room, where Lois sits on the couch as phone rings]
Lois Griffin: Uh, Hello?
Peter Griffin: [calling Lois' cell phone from the kitchen] Uh, Lois, I can't take out the garbage because I'm at the office, and they're making me stay late.
Lois Griffin: Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact... I can see you.
Peter Griffin: What are you talkin' about? I'm better than him [Chris] at everything. You name it... sports, video games, even magic tricks.
Chris Griffin: Ha-ha. I got your nose.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah? [Peter reaches over and pulls Chris's entire face off his skull, leaving a flat flesh patch behind.] Well, I got your face. Hehehe.
Lois Griffin: Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick.
Lois Griffin: Nigel's charming, all British men are.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, right. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli.
[cutaway to Disraeli writing in an office]
Benjamin Disraeli: You don't even know who I am!
Lois Griffin: Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide?
Brian Griffin: Piss off!
Lois Griffin: What?!
Brian Griffin: I'm... I'm sorry, it, it just, feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm... I'm just a bit testy - [to Meg] STOP STARING AT MY TAIL!!!
Lois Griffin: But, Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter Griffin: Well, maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second - AHLP!
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you can't just pull the kids out of school for a baseball game.
Peter Griffin: Ah, there's nothing these kids learn in school they can't learn on the street.