Lois Griffin Quotes (Page 2)
Molly Ringwald Griffin: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands?
Lois Quagmire: I know! Who would have thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Glenn Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot... the one place no one would look.
[in alternate universe]
Lois Quagmire: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin! I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido.
Glenn Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius! Oh!
Lois Griffin: Ugh, Brian's gonna be really upset when he finds out. Eh, I'll just take him for a ride in the car... he'll forget all about it.
[cut to Lois driving Brian around]
Brian Griffin [with excitement]: Wait a minute. I know where we are! The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree! I peed on that! Hey Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey, hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that?! Hey! Hey! Hey! Other dog! F**k you!
Lois Griffin: Hey, you guys.
Chris Griffin: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
Lois Griffin: What?
Chris Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Lois, undecided voters are the biggest idiots on the planet. Try giving short, simple answers.
Tricia Takanawa [to audience member]: Sir, your question, please?
Principal Shepherd: Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city?
Lois Griffin: A lot. [the audience applauds, Brian signals for her to go with it] Because... that's what Jesus wants. [the audience applauds louder, Brian signals for more] 9/11 was bad. [audience cheers and applauds loudly]
Man: I agree with that!
Lois Griffin: God, I can't believe how easy this is.
Chris Griffin: Hi. I'm going door-to-door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday?
[the camera pans to the person at the door, who turns out to be Lois]
Lois Griffin: Chris, this is our house.
Chris Griffin: Ah. Then what is for dinner?
Lois Griffin: Pork chops.
Chris Griffin: Excellent.
Lois Griffin: Chris, have you been to any other houses?
Chris Griffin: I have not.
Lois Griffin: Would you like to come in?
Chris Griffin: Please.
Lois Griffin: The Quahog Oil Refinery is emptying all their toxic waste into the lake. I mean, you couldn't have possibly have sanctioned that kind of blatant industrial pollution, could you?
Mayor Adam West: Yeah, I told them it was fine.
Lois Griffin: What?!
Mayor Adam West: And in return, I get free oil for my hair.
[cut to Mayor West standing next to a woman on the street. His hair is slick and shiny]
Mayor Adam West: Hey, baby. Want some Adam West penis?
Lois Griffin: They cut a school's funding if it's got low test scores? This is not what the Founding Fathers had in mind.
[cut to signing of the Declaration of Independence]
Founding Father: Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take role call first. Thomas Jefferson?
Thomas Jefferson: Here!
Founding Father: Benjamin Franklin?
Benjamin Franklin: Here!
Founding Father: John Footpenis?
John Hancock: It's "Hancock" now!
Founding Father: Why?
John Hancock: Mind your business, that's why!
Lois Griffin: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked The Nutcracker, didn't you?
Peter Griffin: No, Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And-- and with a name like The Nutcracker, I thought, "Oh, this will be worth a few yuks." But no, Lois. That title wrote a check that the queers on stage refused to cash.
Lois: Peter! What the hell? You can't just bring that horse in here with us!
Peter: Oh, come on, Lois. I mean, to you he's just a horse, but to me, he's a friend! I take care of him, and I brush him and feed him, and I really do love... okay, the horse may have just pooped in the bed.
