Lois Griffin Quotes (Page 8)
Lois Griffin: Oh, God, I can't believe we weren't more careful! This probably happened that night we tried role-playing.
[cutaway Peter in bed as Lois walks toward him]
Lois Griffin: Ooh, I need a spanking. I'm a bad, bad girl.
Peter Griffin: I'm a paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my Helm of Disintegration and do 1D4 damage as my Half-Elf Mage wields his +5 Holy Avenger.
Lois Griffin: Paladins can't use the Helm of Disintegration!
Peter Griffin: Oh? Okay. Then I'm a black guy.
Lois Griffin: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter Griffin: Oh, God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian Griffin: Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup.
Peter Griffin: ...Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian Griffin: That's Street Fighter.
Peter Griffin: ... red, blue, green...
Brian Griffin: Those are colors.
Lois Griffin [with noticeably bigger breasts]: Oh, Brian, my breasts are so sore, and they've gotten so engorged from the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes.
Brian Griffin: Wha... what did you do with the old bras?
Lois Griffin: Oww, damn... that hurts.
Brian Griffin: What happened?
Lois Griffin: I was breast feeding Stewie and he bit me again. I think he might have even broken the skin.
Brian Griffin: I see. Uhm... maybe I should, uh, you know, uh, look at it. Uh... I, uh, I, I have seen a lot of medical shows.
Lois Griffin: You see, the areola is very tender here, and I think one of his new teeth may have bitten down right on the duct.
Brian Griffin: [stares at her breasts] I'm sorry, what?
Lois Griffin: I don't know what to do Brian. Breast feeding is just so painful since Stewie's teeth are coming in. Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers.
[cut to Alec Baldwin breast-feeding his brothers]
Alec Baldwin: There you go, there you go. Eat up, Stephen, you're the weakest.
Lois Griffin: Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV!
Brian Griffin: I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show... like when Adam West was on Jeopardy!
[cut to Jeopardy!]
Alex Trebek: All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response... "Kebert Xela." [Trebek mysteriously vanishes]
Mayor Adam West: Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.
[Meg and Lois are peeping at Tom Brady taking a shower]
Meg Griffin: Mom, let me look!
Lois Griffin: Meg, stop shoving. You wouldn't even know what to do with it.
Meg Griffin: He's closer to my age, you cow!
Stewie Griffin: What the hell is this?
Lois Griffin: Oh, hi, Stewie. W-we were just leaving.
Stewie Griffin: [takes a look in the hole in the wall] I say, what the Devil is all the fuss about. I don't get it, what's in the.... Bing-bong! Hello!
Lois Griffin: Brian, there you are! Do you have any idea what time it is? Stewie was supposed to be in bed two hours ago!
Brian Griffin: Oh, yeah, he, uh... he's, um, he's... he was right here, right next to me like four hours ago.
Lois Griffin: What?! Brian, you were supposed to watch him! Oh, my little sweetie!
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers! You know, it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh, here's where the story gets fun. Uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear! [reveals a bloody spot where his ear should be] Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.
Lois Griffin: Ugh, Brian, this is inexcusable!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie?
Stewie Griffin: My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count.
Brian Griffin: Hey, hey, I'm not the kid's babysitter, all right? I have my own life to live!
Lois Griffin: Oh, Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not, like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out of jury duty.
[cut to Peter serving on all-white jury]
Peter Griffin: Awful lot of honkies in here!
Lois Griffin: Oh, I just can't stand the thought of losing Brian!
Stewie Griffin: If he dies, I'm gonna have to start hanging out with The Rock again.
[cut to a TV commercial]
Don LaFontaine: One's a baby, and the other's... black. I think. At least... part black. Or, Hispanic. I think, you know, possibly, there's some Filipino in there, yeah, possibly some Filipino. I mean, if he, if he's black it's definitely diluted. I mean, one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba, for that matter? If I were 40 years younger, I would plow that 'til next July...
Lois Griffin: So he has a few pictures of him strangling fat guys, that doesn't make him the fat guy strangler!
Brian Griffin: [runs over to the bed, lifts up the sheet] Oh yeah, What about the dead fat guy under his bed?
Lois Griffin: Coincidence?
Brian Griffin: What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner?
Half-dead Fat Guy: Patrick tried to kill me.
Lois Griffin: Well, maybe it's a different Patrick.
Brian Griffin: Lois!
Lois Griffin: Okay, Okay, Oh god Peter's out there with him!
Half-dead Fat Guy: Wait!, you gonna eat that dead fat guy?
