Peter Griffin Quotes
Brian Griffin: Lois, my God, what happened?! We thought you were dead!
Chris Griffin: Mom, we thought Dad killed you!
Lois Griffin: No. He didn't, Chris. But someone tried to.
Peter Griffin: Do you remember who it was?
Lois Griffin: Yes I do. IT WAS STEWIE!
Peter Griffin: Joe, you got this all wrong! Like God did when he made Rosie O'Donnell.
[cutaway to Heaven, where an angel is constructing Rosie's body. God staggers nearby, drunk, holding a beer]
Angel: You can't put a vagina on this man!
God: Why not? I'm God!
Angel: Well, what do you wanna do about the breasts?
God: Ah, take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.
Brian Griffin: Hey, where've you been?
Peter Griffin: Ah, I had another date.
Brian Griffin: You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. My date was a stick figure.
[cutaway to Peter sitting at a table with a stick figure taken right from the drawing board]
Peter Griffin: So, uh, I-h-how would this work, in-in bed?
Stick Figure [in a generic man's voice]: Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.
Peter Griffin: That, uh, that sounds--
Stick Figure: Yes, it is very unpleasant.
Peter Griffin: Okay, explain to me what exactly I did wrong.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that story was completely inappropriate!
Peter Griffin: Well, send me the crap to Hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage.
Lois Griffin: You've totally ruined this trip for me! I am mortified to even show my face around this ship!
Peter Griffin: Hey, the captain's the one who should be embarrassed. His story was gay.
Lois Griffin: YOU'RE gay!
Peter Griffin: Boy, we, uh, really did a number on each other.
Joe Swanson: You know, I just wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you guys. I was acting like a first-class jackass. I... hope that you can forgive me.
Cleveland Brown: Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back.
Peter Griffin: And once our injuries heal up, we'll all go for a nice, long walk.
Joe Swanson: ALL RIGHT! YEAH-- wait a minute!
Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire: AHHH!
Cleveland Brown: What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?
Peter Griffin: 651.
Cleveland Brown: That's not bad.
Joe Swanson: Better than mine.
Cleveland Brown: Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself?
Peter Griffin: He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.
Glenn Quagmire: I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, 'cause I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that ... that seems like it's more her market.
Joe Swanson: This is stupid! I WANT TO TALK ABOUT VAGINAS!
Glenn Quagmire: Would you have sex with Cleveland if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie?
Peter Griffin: Uh... yeah, yeah, I'd probably do it.
Glenn Quagmire: Hang on, hang on... Missionary, and you have to look him in the eye. No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else. [Cleveland looks at Peter]
Peter Griffin: [pause] I think still yes.
Cleveland Brown: Thank you, Peter.
Glenn Quagmire: All right, here's another one. Who would you rather have sex with: a very pregnant Gina Gershon or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident?
Peter Griffin: W-wait, h-hang on, hang on. Look, you know-you know, I-I know this is a men's club, but why does it always have to be about sex? Like, okay, look-- h-how about this? How about this? Who would you rather start a small business with: Janet Reno after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name Is Earl?
Glenn Quagmire: That still sounds like a sex question.
Peter Griffin: It is not.
Joe Swanson: Peter? Peter?
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.
Glenn Quagmire: It's the best show you're not watching!
Cleveland Brown: I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bull crap.
[cutaway to Adolf Hitler on a unicycle juggling fish]
Meg Griffin: What am I wearing? Um... a hat, and... glasses? [pause] What kind of underwear? Um... I don't know... big underwear, i guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh. What would I do to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and... we could watch House?
[cut to Peter in the bedroom, on the phone]
Peter Griffin: All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time.
Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained! That was a great story!
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter Griffin: Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I-I don't know if people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter Griffin: Oh, really? Define "decent".
Chris Griffin: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter Griffin: Well, yeah, but double ten people is, like, twenty people, so, I mean, what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know?
Chris Griffin: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
Peter Griffin: Uh, I-I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.