Peter Griffin Quotes (Page 13)
[at strip club]
Peter Griffin: C'mon, Quagmire, it's gotta be you. I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor, and Joe's dead from the waist down.
Joe Swanson [getting a lap dance]: AUGHHHHHHHHHH! WHY DO YOU BRING ME HERE!?
Stewie Griffin: That's more disgusting than when Peter went through his Daisy Dukes phase.
[cut to Peter wearing extremely short cut-off jeans]
Peter Griffin: So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are, come here, you basketball... [he bends over to pick it up, exposing his butt to Stewie and Brian]
Brian Griffin: It's like a walrus flossing!
Peter Griffin: [hands her a watermelon] Hey, Meg, will you hold this for Daddy?
Meg Griffin: Okay...why?
Peter Griffin: Uh, it's a present. It's a "Thanks for being such a sweetie" watermelon. So, you'll hang onto that?
Meg Griffin: Yeah, sure. This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this, or... [the watermelon explodes all over the living room] AHHHHH! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!!
Peter Griffin: Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
Pat Sajak: That's you.
Peter Griffin: Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.
Pat Sajak: All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations.
Peter Griffin: Thanks, Regis.
Pat Sajak: Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel.
Peter Griffin: Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the Batman symbol.
Pat Sajak: Okay, no help there, um, 15 seconds, if you want to take a shot at it, talk it out.
Peter Griffin: Is it Alex Karras in Webster?
Pat Sajak: I... don't... believe it?
Peter Griffin: OH MY GOD, I JUST TOOK A SHOT IN THE DARK! Holy crap!
Peter Griffin: Besides, Sunday's my Internet Porn Night.
[cut to Peter sitting naked at an Internet café]
Peter Griffin: Ohhhhhh, yeah, you're my Chinese Lois.
Lois Griffin: Brian, there you are! Do you have any idea what time it is? Stewie was supposed to be in bed two hours ago!
Brian Griffin: Oh, yeah, he, uh... he's, um, he's... he was right here, right next to me like four hours ago.
Lois Griffin: What?! Brian, you were supposed to watch him! Oh, my little sweetie!
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers! You know, it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh, here's where the story gets fun. Uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear! [reveals a bloody spot where his ear should be] Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.
Lois Griffin: Ugh, Brian, this is inexcusable!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie?
Stewie Griffin: My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count.
Brian Griffin: Hey, hey, I'm not the kid's babysitter, all right? I have my own life to live!
Lois Griffin: Oh, Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not, like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out of jury duty.
[cut to Peter serving on all-white jury]
Peter Griffin: Awful lot of honkies in here!
Brian Griffin: Hey, how'd you sleep Peter?
Peter Griffin: Oh, Brian, last night I had this crazy dream I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh wait, here it is. What the hell was I eating?
[cut to half-eaten sheep, crawling on the carpet, blood spilling out of it]
Sheep: Meeeh! Meeeeh! Meeeh! Meeeh!
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry.
Brian Griffin: Sometimes opposites work well together. In fact, Peter taught me that.
[cut to the music video for Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract" but with Peter with makeup and cat ears]
Paula Abdul: Two steps forward,
Peter Griffin: I take two steps back...
Paula Abdul: We come together
Peter Griffin: 'cause I'm dressed like a cat.
Paula Abdul: And you know, it ain't fiction,
Peter Griffin: Just a natural fact...
Paula Abdul: We come together,
Peter Griffin: 'cause I'm dressed like a cat.
