Peter Griffin Quotes (Page 16)
Lois Griffin: You like eating red carpet, tough guy?!
Peter Griffin [in pain]: YES!
Lois Griffin (off-screen): Say you like eating red carpet!
Peter Griffin (off-screen): I LIKE EATING RED CARPET!
Chris Griffin: Dad, I have had ENOUGH of you taking advantage of these people! For God's sake, the woman playing Elaine is a high priestess!
Tribal woman: You can't spare one square?
Peter Griffin: I don't have to take that from you, I'm the richest guy in town!
Chris Griffin: Dad, don't you see? This is a wonderful place, and you're just using it to escape from your problems at home!
Peter Griffin: What do you mean? Meg's right there.
Peter Griffin: Richest man in the country? Wow, no Griffin's been this powerful since my ancestor, King Arthur Griffin.
[cut away to medieval times]
Damsel: Oh Arthur, if you are able to draw the sword from the stone, and prove to me you truly are the sole King of Camelot, I will make love to you right here in the clearing.
King Arthur Griffin: What if I can just move it an inch, will you touch me?
Lois Griffin: Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went.
[Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]
Meg Griffin: Dad? What the hell are you doing!?
Peter Griffin: Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheeseburger and large fries and uh... do you sell pants?
Peter Griffin: Boy, this place sure has changed since Pawtucket Pat sold it.
Brewery employee: So this is where you'll be working, Mr. Griffin. Oh, and I should mention, employees are welcome to free Pawtucket Ale. We just ask that you don't drink during your shift.
Peter Griffin: That won't be a problem, sir.
Brewery employee: Great. Well I'll be right back with your ID badge. [walks through a door, then walks out to see Peter naked holding a bottle of beer] Mr. Griffin, what happened to your pants?
Peter Griffin: Oh, look who's here, Mr. "I don't have time for your little league games. Come here, you son of a bitch! [throws the bottle of beer which then breaks. He holds on to the employee's shoulders, crying] Why do you close your eyes when we make love?
Peter Griffin: Aw, Chris, buddy, thank god you're okay!
Chris Griffin: Hi, Dad!
Peter Griffin: Hey, this has been driving me crazy. Who was the chick on Remington Steele?
[Stewie picks up]
Stewie Griffin: Hello?
Chris Griffin: Stephanie Zimbalist?
Stewie Griffin: No, Stewie Griffin. Who's this?
Peter Griffin: Ah, thank you.
Lois Griffin: Chris, what are you doing down there?
Chris Griffin: Relax, Mom, i'm having a great time.
Stewie Griffin: You people knocked me off the modem!
Lois Griffin: When are you coming home?
Peter Griffin: How's the food in South America?
Stewie Griffin: Do the women there have exposed clitterati?
Chris Griffin: I'll be home in a month, after people have forgotten I'm a freshman.
Lois Griffin: Well, please take care of yourself, honey.
[Meg joins conversation]
Meg Griffin: Hey, guys, is everyone on the phone?
Chris Griffin: Oh, I got to go. [hangs up]
Lois Griffin: Something's in the oven. [hangs up]
Peter Griffin: I lost a shoe. [hangs up]
Stewie Griffin: No no, don't leave me on the phone with her!
Meg Griffin: Stewie?
Stewie Griffin: Heeey. How's school?
Meg Griffin: Hi, Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: Listen, I am swamped, but, uh, Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing and I think it's just great. Hanging up now.
Unemployer: Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery.
Peter Griffin: Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study.
[cut away to two doctors in a small window]
Doctor: Hmm. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one.
Peter Griffin: I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, let me look at... Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were, huh?
Lois Griffin: And to think, Brian, I was like a day away from having sex with you. [Brian's eyes open in shock] I was gonna push those beds together and take you around the freakin' world, Brian! But a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh? You want your ball? You want your ball?
Brian Griffin: No, Lois, I don't want the ball right now. I'll be in the basement.
Peter Griffin: Doing what?
Brian Griffin: WHAT DO YOU THINK? [family erupts in laughter]
Stewie Griffin: Oh... okay, somebody's gonna have to explain that to me.
Peter Griffin: Well, Joe is absolutely right. I just gotta figure out a way to win Lois back. I can do that, I'm a smart guy. I once built that time machine out of a DeLorean.
[cut to Peter in a car that looks like a time machine]
Peter Griffin: Alright, past, here I come! [drives the car into the wall of a building, destroying it and setting the building on fire] Wow. Everybody in 1955 was on fire. I never knew that!
Peter Griffin: Alright, fellas, we've been out here for months, and we all know men have certain needs. And, being that there's no women around, we're gonna have to have an orgy.
[scene cuts to Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe stacked on each other, naked]
Peter Griffin: Uh... anybody horny?
Glenn Quagmire: No.
Cleveland Brown: No.
Joe Swanson: No.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, me neither. Uh, and, uh, whoever's toe that is, uh, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but, uh, I think you can stop.
Joe Swanson: Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this. [a cruise ship passes]
Captain: And if you look off the left side of the ship, you'll see a bunch of homosexuals. [in Spanish] A la izquierda del barco, podemos ver las "fanny bandits."
