Peter Griffin Quotes (Page 3)
Lois: Peter! What the hell? You can't just bring that horse in here with us!
Peter: Oh, come on, Lois. I mean, to you he's just a horse, but to me, he's a friend! I take care of him, and I brush him and feed him, and I really do love... okay, the horse may have just pooped in the bed.
Lois Griffin: Oh, it is so good to be home. You know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values, but values don't come from where you live or who your friends are. They come from inside, from your own beliefs.
Peter Griffin: I agree, Lois. Like, for instance, if you're watching a TV show and you decide to take your values from that... you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. Yeah, that's right.
Chris Griffin: Dad, why aren't you taking the car?
Peter Griffin: Chris, we're in Texas now. If I'm not riding a horse, I'm gonna stick out like a straight guy in a skating competition.
[cut to straight guy skating]
Straight Guy: Boo-ya! Triple salchow in your face! Hey, you want this? Huh? You want some of this? Oh, man, look at your rack. I'd motorboat that. I'd motorboat the hell out of it! Right after this layback spin.
Peter Griffin: Aw, sweet, we are outta here! Now I can do what I planned to do this morning: gladiator mice!
[cut to Peter sitting on the couch, in only his tighty-whities, while two mice in gladiator costumes fight on the floor]
Peter Griffin: Hahahahaha! Yes, yes, die, die, die! I have everything and you have nothing!
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe, I... thought you were bringing your cop friends over. What are all these parallelograms doing here?
Joe Swanson: You mean paraplegics.
Peter Griffin: A bunch of cops in uniform hanging out in my restaurant? This is gonna be cooler than that time Ben Stiller taught me how to be myself.
[cut to Peter's front lawn, where Peter and Ben Stiller stand]
Peter Griffin: But how can you leave me now, Ben Stiller? When I need you more than ever?
Ben Stiller: I've taught you everything you need to know, Peter. Now it's time for me to go help another child.
Peter Griffin: I guess I just fooled myself into thinking you'd always be with me.
Ben Stiller: I will, Peter. I will always be with you. [he flaps his ears like wings and flies off into the sunset]
Peter Griffin: His movies are terrible!
Peter Griffin: Hey, listen, Bill, uh, you and I need to have a talk.
[cut to Peter and Bill in bed after having sex]
Peter Griffin: Boy, you are good. You are really really good.
Glenn Quagmire: You want me to drag my sack across your face?
Peter Griffin: What?
Glenn Quagmire: It's... I'm sorry. It's, when when one of my lady friends is upset, that's how I, that's how I cheer her... listen, Peter, this is all I know. I'm... I'm not very good in these types of situations.
Peter Griffin: I can't believe Lois would cheat on me.
Glenn Quagmire: Look, Peter, I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I, I want you to know I'm... I'm here for you if you need anything.
Peter Griffin [walks in on Bill and Lois]: Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois' purse. I don't think she'll notice 'cause she's here, humping you?!
Lois Griffin: [gasps] Peter, look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and-and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill, except... I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in U.S. History and... he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to it's lowest level in 33 years!
Bill Clinton: Thirty-five years.
Lois Griffin: Thirty-five years, Peter!