Glenn Quagmire Quotes
Peter Griffin: Boy, we, uh, really did a number on each other.
Joe Swanson: You know, I just wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you guys. I was acting like a first-class jackass. I... hope that you can forgive me.
Cleveland Brown: Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back.
Peter Griffin: And once our injuries heal up, we'll all go for a nice, long walk.
Joe Swanson: ALL RIGHT! YEAH-- wait a minute!
Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire: AHHH!
Cleveland Brown: What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?
Peter Griffin: 651.
Cleveland Brown: That's not bad.
Joe Swanson: Better than mine.
Cleveland Brown: Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself?
Peter Griffin: He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.
Glenn Quagmire: I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, 'cause I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that ... that seems like it's more her market.
Joe Swanson: This is stupid! I WANT TO TALK ABOUT VAGINAS!
Glenn Quagmire: Would you have sex with Cleveland if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie?
Peter Griffin: Uh... yeah, yeah, I'd probably do it.
Glenn Quagmire: Hang on, hang on... Missionary, and you have to look him in the eye. No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else. [Cleveland looks at Peter]
Peter Griffin: [pause] I think still yes.
Cleveland Brown: Thank you, Peter.
Glenn Quagmire: All right, here's another one. Who would you rather have sex with: a very pregnant Gina Gershon or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident?
Peter Griffin: W-wait, h-hang on, hang on. Look, you know-you know, I-I know this is a men's club, but why does it always have to be about sex? Like, okay, look-- h-how about this? How about this? Who would you rather start a small business with: Janet Reno after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name Is Earl?
Glenn Quagmire: That still sounds like a sex question.
Peter Griffin: It is not.
Joe Swanson: Peter? Peter?
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.
Glenn Quagmire: It's the best show you're not watching!
Cleveland Brown: I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bull crap.
[cutaway to Adolf Hitler on a unicycle juggling fish]
Molly Ringwald Griffin: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands?
Lois Quagmire: I know! Who would have thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Glenn Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot... the one place no one would look.
[in alternate universe]
Lois Quagmire: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin! I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido.
Glenn Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius! Oh!
Glenn Quagmire: [sees a sign outside the church that reads, "Organist Wanted"] Heh, heh. All right... Ahh! Well, why do you say "organist" if you don't want... I don't understand the world anymore.
• Rating 4.3 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • July 26th, 2007 Lois Griffin: Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet.
Glenn Quagmire: Well you know, Lois, I... I gotta confess, uh, when you called me, I sort of misunderstood what you were asking for. That's why I rushed over, but uh... it's fine, it's fine, whatever. I'm happy to help.
Glenn Quagmire: You want me to drag my sack across your face?
Peter Griffin: What?
Glenn Quagmire: It's... I'm sorry. It's, when when one of my lady friends is upset, that's how I, that's how I cheer her... listen, Peter, this is all I know. I'm... I'm not very good in these types of situations.
Peter Griffin: I can't believe Lois would cheat on me.
Glenn Quagmire: Look, Peter, I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I, I want you to know I'm... I'm here for you if you need anything.