Stewie Griffin Quotes
Brian Griffin: I am gonna find the evidence to put you away. Starting by proving that you were on that cruise ship the night Lois disappeared!
Stewie Griffin: No, I wasn't. I was at the carnival with Rupert. Ahh, the carnival with Rupert...
[cutaway to Stewie and the man-version of Rupert seen in Stewie Loves Lois, playing a carnival game]
Stewie Griffin: We won! We won! Do it again, now I want a pink one!
Rupert: Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, okay. Do you wanna go ride the tea bags... tea cups?
Stewie Griffin: Hello, mother. [Lois, looking out on the horizon, turns around to see Stewie standing behind her]
Lois Griffin: Stewie?! What the hell are you... how did you get here?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny!
Stewie Griffin: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brassiere!
Brian Griffin: Oh, ho-ho!
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: No, no, nothing, nothing. That's-thats all part of your diabolical plan to... humiliate her!
Stewie Griffin: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated!
Brian Griffin: Maybe you'll hand-cuff her; She'll hate that.
Stewie Griffin: Then I shall do that as well!
Brian Griffin: And call her a bitch.
Stewie Griffin: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian Griffin: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, and then ... what?
Brian Griffin: No, I mean, that-that would, like ... that, that would show her!
Stewie Griffin: Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?
Brian Griffin: What are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me! when she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails! Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed!
Stewie Griffin: So, uh... you got the wool cap on, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I guess, you know, whatever, it's uh... 96 degrees out, you know. Better-better put on the old wool cap. Yeah. Got a lot, uh, going on under there, huh? Under, under the wool cap? Thinkin' 'bout your sideburns? Yeah. No, no, no. You're not a complete jackass. Yeah. Oh, hey, nice T-shirt. "PHRESH". And-and it's spelled with a "PH". Oh, that's fun 'cause it's usually spelled with an "F". Yeah. Oh, and you got a little tear in your pants there-- oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad boy. You're a bad boy. Society wants your pants to be intact. But you're not just gonna listen, are you? My God, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to kill you.
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • November 6th, 2007 Jillian: Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid!
Brian and Stewie: Really?
Jillian: Well, I don't wanna be your guilty burden, Brian. We're through! [she grabs her cloths and leaves]
Brian Griffin: Jillian, wait! [door slams] Damn it!
Stewie Griffin: I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. [Stewie covers himself, then Brian turns the light out to go to sleep] Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Ju-just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't-don't even think about it. The next person you see, the very next person you see.
Darth Vader (Stewie): [mimicking stormtroopers] My god, look at this mess. Oh, hey, Darth Vader's coming, do you think we should clean this up a little bit? Ahhh, no, he's not gonna mind.
• Vote for this Quote! • November 6th, 2007 Stewie Griffin: Do you know where we are, Brian? This is a very special place. They say once every hundred years in this spot, Donny Most rises from the mist.
Brian Griffin: Eh, I think that's just a legend.
Stewie Griffin [still dressed as a girl]: None for me, thanks. It's gonna go straight to my vagina. [to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • July 26th, 2007 Lois Griffin: ...and lately, this family has been lacking moral fiber. Especially you, Meg.
[cut to Meg on the couch. Her body is literally deflated. Stewie is sitting in the arm chair next to her]
Lois Griffin: Meg, what happened to you?!
Stewie Griffin: She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kind of lays there. It's really sad... and a tiny bit funny. Oh, my God, I think I'm getting a contact high.