Stewie Griffin Quotes (Page 12)
Stewie Griffin (to camera): The native man is an impressive physical specimen. Look closely at his sinewy muscular form and unusual vitality. It is a thrill to watch him dig a ditch or lift a jug of water or participate in a hunt.
Brian Griffin (filming): Cut, print, gay.
Peter Griffin: Aw, Chris, buddy, thank god you're okay!
Chris Griffin: Hi, Dad!
Peter Griffin: Hey, this has been driving me crazy. Who was the chick on Remington Steele?
[Stewie picks up]
Stewie Griffin: Hello?
Chris Griffin: Stephanie Zimbalist?
Stewie Griffin: No, Stewie Griffin. Who's this?
Peter Griffin: Ah, thank you.
Lois Griffin: Chris, what are you doing down there?
Chris Griffin: Relax, Mom, i'm having a great time.
Stewie Griffin: You people knocked me off the modem!
Lois Griffin: When are you coming home?
Peter Griffin: How's the food in South America?
Stewie Griffin: Do the women there have exposed clitterati?
Chris Griffin: I'll be home in a month, after people have forgotten I'm a freshman.
Lois Griffin: Well, please take care of yourself, honey.
[Meg joins conversation]
Meg Griffin: Hey, guys, is everyone on the phone?
Chris Griffin: Oh, I got to go. [hangs up]
Lois Griffin: Something's in the oven. [hangs up]
Peter Griffin: I lost a shoe. [hangs up]
Stewie Griffin: No no, don't leave me on the phone with her!
Meg Griffin: Stewie?
Stewie Griffin: Heeey. How's school?
Meg Griffin: Hi, Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: Listen, I am swamped, but, uh, Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing and I think it's just great. Hanging up now.
Lois Griffin: And to think, Brian, I was like a day away from having sex with you. [Brian's eyes open in shock] I was gonna push those beds together and take you around the freakin' world, Brian! But a nice pat on the head is just as good, huh? You want your ball? You want your ball?
Brian Griffin: No, Lois, I don't want the ball right now. I'll be in the basement.
Peter Griffin: Doing what?
Brian Griffin: WHAT DO YOU THINK? [family erupts in laughter]
Stewie Griffin: Oh... okay, somebody's gonna have to explain that to me.
Stewie Griffin: Lois, I smell whipped cream. Are you making strawberry shortcake? [sees Lois and Peter having sex] AAAHHHH!!! AAAHHHH!!! AAAHHHH!!! AAAHHHH!!! AAAHHHH!!! AAAHHHH!!! AAAHHHH!!!
Mayor Adam West: So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well game on, Quahog! AAAAAH! AAAAAH! AAAAH! AAAH AH! I'm beating you!
Stewie Griffin [reading The Da Vinci Code ] Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art ...murder?! Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air.
[cutaway to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo!
Stewie Griffin: Yes, I see you, fat man.
Peter Griffin: [gasps] Where's daddy?
Stewie Griffin: What? [looks around] Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see...well, he must really be gone. [starts picking his nose]
Peter Griffin: [removes hands from eyes] Peek-a-boo!
Stewie Griffin: Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my-- [Peter covers eyes again] Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence.
Brian Griffin: That was you in disguise.
Stewie Griffin: No it wasn't.
Brian Griffin: Yes it was.
Stewie Griffin: No it wasn't.
Brian Griffin: Fine, it wasn't.
Stewie Griffin: HA! It was!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, Brian, there you are. Uh, can I talk to you about something?
Brian Griffin: Uh, yeah, what is it?
Stewie Griffin: That coffee mug you have on your desk that says "Life's a Beach"...um...that's dangerously close to the word "bitch," isn't it?
Brian Griffin: Uh, yeah, that's the joke.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, absolutely, and-and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie. And, uh, y'know between you and me I think it's a stitch. But some of the other employees have found it offensive.
Brian Griffin: Other employees? Who else works here besides me?
Stewie Griffin: [pointing in Brian's face] FUCK YOU, that's who works here!!
Meg Griffin: Wow! This looks just like my room at home.
Lois Griffin: Yeah, except for all the trophies and pictures of friends...
Stewie Griffin: Hmm, that's the second most impressive trophy I've ever seen.
[cut to Stewie presenting a Grammy award]
Stewie Griffin: And the Grammy for Album of the Year goes to... Justin Timberlake. [Justin Timberlake walks up, waving to the cheering audience. Stewie hits him with the Grammy, knocking him out] Ha! It actually goes to Nelly... Nelly.
Stewie Griffin [wearing an over-filled diaper]: Peter! Peter! There's... there's so much doody in here! I-I can-I can't take it anymore! I haven't eaten in four days 'cause I... 'cause-'cause I... I just can't fit anymore in there. Help me!
• Vote for this Quote! • July 17th, 2007 Brian Griffin: Hey, is that ham? I thought you put that back.
Lois Griffin: Oh, um, no, I put the other ham back.
Brian Griffin: I don't remember another ham.
Lois Griffin: Heh. Well, you were too busy eyeballing that Redbook with Glenn Close on the cover.
Brian Griffin: Hey! She is a handsome woman.
Stewie Griffin: Well, well, look who's carrying a little flame for Glenn Close. What a surprise. Although, it's not the first time you've suprised me.
[cut away]
Brian Griffin: [wearing Lois' clothes] "Ooh, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner; I'm so busy. Better hurry!"
Stewie Griffin: Lois! I want my graham cracker... oh.
