Stewie Griffin Quotes (Page 2)
Chris Griffin [holding a steak] The guy at table seven complained there's not enough juice on his prime rib.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, did he now? Well, let me take care of that for him. [picks up a rat, force-feeds it a bottle filled with some liquid, holds it over the plate, and makes it vomit on the steak] Tell him, "Bon appétit, douchebag."
Brian Griffin: Alright, so we roll the dice, and then we both have to yell "Yahtzee" really loud.
Stewie Griffin: At the same time?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, and you have to flap your wrists like this [flaps wrists flamboyantly]
Stewie Griffin: And you'll do it too?
Brian Griffin: 'Course. That's how it's done.
Stewie Griffin: Okay.
Brian Griffin: Alright. Ready?
Stewie Griffin: Okay, you gonna do it with me?
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah. [rolls dice, doesn't shout Yahtzee]
Stewie Griffin: [flaps wrists flamboyantly] YAHTZEE!
Brian Griffin: Gay.
Stewie Griffin: YOU SUCK!
Lois Griffin: Brian, what is this on my shoe?
Brian Griffin: My poop?
Lois Griffin: [grabs a Kleenex and wipes her shoe] That's right, and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learn to use the toilet like everyone else.
Stewie Griffin: [grabs Kleenez] Ah, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze! [grabs Lois' Kleenex and sneezes] Ah-choo! [sees what was on it] AHHHHHHHHHH!!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, great. This going to be worse than the time I lived with Marlee Matlin.
[cut to Stewie siting on a couch, Marlee Matlin walks by, unaware she is farting with each step]
Marlee Matlin: Hi, Stewie!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, come on, Marlee, I know you can't hear them, but you gotta feel those things slapping out of there!
Stewie Griffin: There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. Write down my final thoughts.
Brian Griffin: Oh, come on!
Stewie Giffin: I... don't have much time. Oh, squiggly line in my eye fluid, I see you there, lurking on the periphery of my vision. But when I try to look at you, you scurry away. Are you shy, squiggly line? Why only when I ignore you do you return to the center of my eye? Oh, squiggly line, it's all right. You are forgiven.
Brian Griffin: [answers phone] Hello? Hi, Dr. Hartman. All right, I'll tell him. Thanks, bye. [hangs up] You don't have cancer, you're gonna be fine.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God! Wait, wait. Look, there's no reason we can't finish the memoir anyway. Let's see what you've got so far. [All that is on the pad is a drawing of Brian hanging himself from a tree branch] Oh, you are just the worst type of person.
Lois Griffin: Stewie, what is that on your lip?
Stewie Griffin: I drew a pencil mustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of mustache that says, "Yeah, I've been nude on camera, what of it?"
Brian Griffin: My God, look at you.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, look at my complexion, Brian. I am hot! I'll be getting more sex than that Wisconsin nympho who used to live upstairs.
[cut to Stewie trying to sleep in his room, with the nympho woman having loud sex]
Nympho Woman: Oh God. Oh God! Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap!! Crap!! Crap!!! CRAP!!!! Oh, crap...
Stewie Griffin: Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle ... my God, I really do have problems, don't I?
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • July 25th, 2007 Stewie Griffin: I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car.
[cut to Stewie driving, Mother Teresa in the back seat, passed out with vomit running down her chin. Two other guys are there as well]
Man 1: She is messed up, man!
Stewie Griffin: Shut up! Just shut up! Let me f**king think! [he drives up to a hospital] Push her out.
Man 2: We can't leave her alone.
Stewie Griffin: Push the bitch out!!
Stewie Griffin: I'm entitled to these things, Lois, especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.
[cut to Stewie on an Asian Santa's lap]
Asian Santa: What you want?! What you want for Christmas?!
Stewie Griffin: Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old-timey...
Asian Santa: Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!
