Tom Tucker Quotes (Page 2)
Diane Simmons: In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty, I finally get my period.
Tom Tucker: Well, Diane, I'm sure you and your brother must be devastated by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been.
Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news: a local family is forced out of their home by ghosts! Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons: Ghostbusters, Tom?
Tom Tucker: No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.
Diane Simmons: Also in the news, some trouble at Saint Phillips church.
Tom Tucker: That's right, Diane, a shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy.
Diane Simmons: Sounds dangerous, Tom. Be careful next time you're at confession telling the priest about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen.
Tom Tucker: Well, at least you're in no danger, Diane, since you only visit church to leave your self delivered, unwashed, half-dead newborns on the back step. Coming up, how to turn your unwanted change into foldin' money.
Peter Griffin: You're on TV, Mr. Tucker, can't you do something about this?
Tom Tucker: Well, Peter, I'm flattered you came to me for help. We'll have more after this. [Tom walks off, and walks back on] Good evening, we're back.
Tom Tucker: Is there anything we can do for you?
Ollie Williams: BRING ME SOME SOUP!
Tom Tucker: What kind?
Ollie Williams: CHUNKY!
Tom Tucker: Alright, we'll get on that. Coming up next, a pig that refuses to eat Jews? After this.
Tom Tucker: And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend from that burning building?
Peter Griffin: THAT FREAKIN' PLACE WAS ON FIRE?!
Tom Tucker: And there you have it. Coming up next: Watch me shave.
Tom Tucker: Coming up, Diane's weight.
• Vote for this Quote! • July 10th, 2007 Tom Tucker: In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now we go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: HE GON' GIT IT!
Tom: Thanks, Ollie.
Tom Tucker: Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think? A new study confirms that, no, they cannot.
• Vote for this Quote! • July 9th, 2007 Tom Tucker: Today, we'll see some of Quahog's finest athletes struggle valiantly against God's twisted designs. You'll cheer, you'll cry, you might even get a cheap laugh or two.
Diane Simmons: I know I will, Tom. In fact, there's the distinct possibility that by the end of the day we'll all be going to Hell.
Tom Tucker: I'll see you there, Diane.
