Tom Tucker Quotes (Page 3)
Tom Tucker: Coming up in this half hour, our undercover exposé on conveniently-placed news reports in television shows. But first, Peter, look out for that skateboard.
• Vote for this Quote! • July 6th, 2007 Tricia Takanawa: This is Tricia Takanawa reporting live, where police have discovered the whereabouts of Seabreeze, the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune. The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel. [Tom Tucker comes out in his boxers with a bag of beer bottles] Ah, I see my colleague, Tom Tucker, is already on the scene.
Prostitute: Who's that, baby?
Tom Tucker [quickly shoves her back inside]: Hello, this is Tom Tucker...'s evil twin, Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. Ha ha ha! Now I'm going back inside to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have 45 minutes. Now, back to this breaking news.
Diane Simmons: Well, it's an exciting day for all here at the Renaissance Faire jousting meet. Wouldn't you say, Tom?
Tom Tucker: Diane, I'd say it was a perfect day if you weren't reminding us of our grandmas' cleavage.
Tom Tucker: Welcome back to Quahog 5 News. And now here's Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather forecast. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: ISS GON' RAIN!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.
Tom Tucker: So, Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look great.
Dustin Hoffman: Are you trying to seduce me, [voice dub] Mr. Tucker?
Tom Tucker: I am not tying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great.
Dustin Hoffman: Uh oh, 12 minutes to Wapner.
Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here at the studio. If there's anything I can ever do for you...
Dustin Hoffman: Bring me Peter Pan!
Tom Tucker: I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.
Diane Simmons: Good evening. Tonight's top story. Quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers."
Tom Tucker: They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
Diane Simmons: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. You find this funny, Tom?
Tom Tucker: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?
Tom Tucker: Our top story: the Clam's Head Pub has burned to the ground. Our own Tricia Takanawa is on the scene.
Tricia Takanawa: Is Quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist? Police say no, but our producer says yes. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like [cuts to a picture of a giant, fire-breathing, insect-like monster]. Anyone with information regarding this suspect should contact Quahog police immediately. One thing is certain: the pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen."
Tom Tucker: In a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria...J-J-Jimen...
Diane Simmons: Jimenez.
Tom Tucker: I know what it is.
Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane.
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, that last report was so good I think you deserve a spanking.
Diane: Oh Tom, I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
Tom: Haha, that frigid old cow lives in Quahog she can't hear a word I'm saying.
Camera Guy: Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog.
