Family Guy Quotes
Brian Griffin: Lois, my God, what happened?! We thought you were dead!
Chris Griffin: Mom, we thought Dad killed you!
Lois Griffin: No. He didn't, Chris. But someone tried to.
Peter Griffin: Do you remember who it was?
Lois Griffin: Yes I do. IT WAS STEWIE!
Peter Griffin: Joe, you got this all wrong! Like God did when he made Rosie O'Donnell.
[cutaway to Heaven, where an angel is constructing Rosie's body. God staggers nearby, drunk, holding a beer]
Angel: You can't put a vagina on this man!
God: Why not? I'm God!
Angel: Well, what do you wanna do about the breasts?
God: Ah, take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.
Brian Griffin: I am gonna find the evidence to put you away. Starting by proving that you were on that cruise ship the night Lois disappeared!
Stewie Griffin: No, I wasn't. I was at the carnival with Rupert. Ahh, the carnival with Rupert...
[cutaway to Stewie and the man-version of Rupert seen in Stewie Loves Lois, playing a carnival game]
Stewie Griffin: We won! We won! Do it again, now I want a pink one!
Rupert: Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, okay. Do you wanna go ride the tea bags... tea cups?
Brian Griffin: Hey, where've you been?
Peter Griffin: Ah, I had another date.
Brian Griffin: You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. My date was a stick figure.
[cutaway to Peter sitting at a table with a stick figure taken right from the drawing board]
Peter Griffin: So, uh, I-h-how would this work, in-in bed?
Stick Figure [in a generic man's voice]: Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.
Peter Griffin: That, uh, that sounds--
Stick Figure: Yes, it is very unpleasant.
Stewie Griffin: Hello, mother. [Lois, looking out on the horizon, turns around to see Stewie standing behind her]
Lois Griffin: Stewie?! What the hell are you... how did you get here?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny!
Peter Griffin: Okay, explain to me what exactly I did wrong.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that story was completely inappropriate!
Peter Griffin: Well, send me the crap to Hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage.
Lois Griffin: You've totally ruined this trip for me! I am mortified to even show my face around this ship!
Peter Griffin: Hey, the captain's the one who should be embarrassed. His story was gay.
Lois Griffin: YOU'RE gay!
Stewie Griffin: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brassiere!
Brian Griffin: Oh, ho-ho!
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: No, no, nothing, nothing. That's-thats all part of your diabolical plan to... humiliate her!
Stewie Griffin: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated!
Brian Griffin: Maybe you'll hand-cuff her; She'll hate that.
Stewie Griffin: Then I shall do that as well!
Brian Griffin: And call her a bitch.
Stewie Griffin: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian Griffin: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, and then ... what?
Brian Griffin: No, I mean, that-that would, like ... that, that would show her!
Stewie Griffin: Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?
Brian Griffin: What are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me! when she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails! Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed!
Peter Griffin: Boy, we, uh, really did a number on each other.
Joe Swanson: You know, I just wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you guys. I was acting like a first-class jackass. I... hope that you can forgive me.
Cleveland Brown: Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back.
Peter Griffin: And once our injuries heal up, we'll all go for a nice, long walk.
Joe Swanson: ALL RIGHT! YEAH-- wait a minute!
Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire: AHHH!
Bonnie Swanson: Oh, Joe, that was amazing!
Joe Swanson: I know. I was there.
Bonnie Swanson: My God, we haven't done it in so long, I'd forgotten how big you were.
Joe Swanson: I was gonna say the same thing to you.
