I Take Thee Quagmire Quotes
Peter Griffin: Whoa-whoa-whoa, what the hell are you doing?
Cement truck worker: Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies, so the city says all caskets must be encased in concrete.
Mayor Adam West: You'll thank me when no one eats our brains... you'll thank me.
Peter Griffin: I mean we're gonna fake your death. This is the best idea I had since I invented that soda.
[cut to Peter in a boardroom]
Peter Griffin: Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. All the great taste of regular Pepsi, but without that troublesome opacity. Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi, and somebody's coming at you with a knife, huh? You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. And-and-and then, and then, who's dead, huh? You! You! You're dead! Stabbed! Crystal Pepsi.
Peter Griffin: I know you have a foot fetish, so I got you the Statue of Liberty's foot. [a truck backs up with a giant green foot]
Glenn Quagmire: Aw, thanks, Peter, but Joan's all the foot I need now.
Peter Griffin: What? But, Quagmire, that's the real foot from the Statue of Li--
Glenn Quagmire: No, no, I'm okay.
Peter Griffin: Hey, hey, do you have any idea what I went through to get this? A lot. A real lot. You think this is just, "Oh, here comes Peter with the Statue of Liberty's foot, oh isn't that a gas?" No, no. The reality, the real reality of getting this thing together was staggering. You know? This cost me $437,000; don't ask me how I got it, I had to call in a whole bunch of favors from people I've never even met, so the very least you could do is just, rub up against... I don't know.
Glenn Quagmire: Well, if you want, I could...
Peter Griffin: No-no-no, no, no, it's fine. No-no, whatever, whatever. Just go to your wedding, man.
Lois Griffin [with noticeably bigger breasts]: Oh, Brian, my breasts are so sore, and they've gotten so engorged from the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes.
Brian Griffin: Wha... what did you do with the old bras?
Stewie Griffin: By the way, you call those cheap implants "boobs?" Those aren't boobs... they're lies!
• Vote for this Quote! • July 18th, 2007 [at strip club]
Peter Griffin: C'mon, Quagmire, it's gotta be you. I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor, and Joe's dead from the waist down.
Joe Swanson [getting a lap dance]: AUGHHHHHHHHHH! WHY DO YOU BRING ME HERE!?
Stewie Griffin: Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'll bet the Founding Father's had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights.
[cut to the Founding Fathers writing of Rights]
Founding Father 1: All right, we're done.
Founding Father 2: You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms?
Founding Father 3: Of course it's clear. Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall. How could that possibly be misconstrued?
Founding Father 1: All right, fantastic, then. Wait, you know what? Before we send this to the printer, let's take that abortion thing out.
Stewie Griffin: That's more disgusting than when Peter went through his Daisy Dukes phase.
[cut to Peter wearing extremely short cut-off jeans]
Peter Griffin: So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are, come here, you basketball... [he bends over to pick it up, exposing his butt to Stewie and Brian]
Brian Griffin: It's like a walrus flossing!
Cleveland Brown: Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket or a erection in your pocket?
• Vote for this Quote! • July 18th, 2007 Peter Griffin: [hands her a watermelon] Hey, Meg, will you hold this for Daddy?
Meg Griffin: Okay...why?
Peter Griffin: Uh, it's a present. It's a "Thanks for being such a sweetie" watermelon. So, you'll hang onto that?
Meg Griffin: Yeah, sure. This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this, or... [the watermelon explodes all over the living room] AHHHHH! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!!
