It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One Quotes
Lois Griffin: Ugh, Brian's gonna be really upset when he finds out. Eh, I'll just take him for a ride in the car... he'll forget all about it.
[cut to Lois driving Brian around]
Brian Griffin [with excitement]: Wait a minute. I know where we are! The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! Oh, that's the tree! I peed on that! Hey Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey, hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that?! Hey! Hey! Hey! Other dog! F**k you!
Lois Griffin: Hey, you guys.
Chris Griffin: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
Lois Griffin: What?
Chris Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Lois, undecided voters are the biggest idiots on the planet. Try giving short, simple answers.
Tricia Takanawa [to audience member]: Sir, your question, please?
Principal Shepherd: Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city?
Lois Griffin: A lot. [the audience applauds, Brian signals for her to go with it] Because... that's what Jesus wants. [the audience applauds louder, Brian signals for more] 9/11 was bad. [audience cheers and applauds loudly]
Man: I agree with that!
Lois Griffin: God, I can't believe how easy this is.
Chris Griffin: Hi. I'm going door-to-door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday?
[the camera pans to the person at the door, who turns out to be Lois]
Lois Griffin: Chris, this is our house.
Chris Griffin: Ah. Then what is for dinner?
Lois Griffin: Pork chops.
Chris Griffin: Excellent.
Lois Griffin: Chris, have you been to any other houses?
Chris Griffin: I have not.
Lois Griffin: Would you like to come in?
Chris Griffin: Please.
Lois Griffin: The Quahog Oil Refinery is emptying all their toxic waste into the lake. I mean, you couldn't have possibly have sanctioned that kind of blatant industrial pollution, could you?
Mayor Adam West: Yeah, I told them it was fine.
Lois Griffin: What?!
Mayor Adam West: And in return, I get free oil for my hair.
[cut to Mayor West standing next to a woman on the street. His hair is slick and shiny]
Mayor Adam West: Hey, baby. Want some Adam West penis?
Peter Griffin: Careful, 'cause they've got a lot of big ol' wilderness bugs out here.
[A large bee flies over and begins speaking in a voice identical to Bruce the Performance Artist]
Bee: Oh, hey. Y'all best be careful or I'm gonna sting you with my stinger. Oh, no! But then I'se gon' die if I sting you. You know what? I'm not gonna sting y'all after all, and that's my choice. Y'all ain't worth it. I'm just gonna head on over to that flower and suck on that stamen like there's no tomorrow.
Stewie Griffin: Do you know where we are, Brian? This is a very special place. They say once every hundred years in this spot, Donny Most rises from the mist.
Brian Griffin: Eh, I think that's just a legend.
Peter Griffin: Boy, it was nice of Quagmire to let us use his place. This'll be much better than that vacation we took with the Price Is Right yodeler.
[cut to the Griffins following the mountain-climbing yodeler on the Cliff Hangers pricing game board]
Peter Griffin: Okay, you can stop here. There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks. Stop here! Don't... don't listen to that fat tourist! She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop! [The yodeler and the Griffins fall off the board] Ah, we should have gone to Plinko like Cleveland.