Stewie Kills Lois Quotes
Brian Griffin: Lois, my God, what happened?! We thought you were dead!
Chris Griffin: Mom, we thought Dad killed you!
Lois Griffin: No. He didn't, Chris. But someone tried to.
Peter Griffin: Do you remember who it was?
Lois Griffin: Yes I do. IT WAS STEWIE!
Peter Griffin: Joe, you got this all wrong! Like God did when he made Rosie O'Donnell.
[cutaway to Heaven, where an angel is constructing Rosie's body. God staggers nearby, drunk, holding a beer]
Angel: You can't put a vagina on this man!
God: Why not? I'm God!
Angel: Well, what do you wanna do about the breasts?
God: Ah, take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.
Brian Griffin: I am gonna find the evidence to put you away. Starting by proving that you were on that cruise ship the night Lois disappeared!
Stewie Griffin: No, I wasn't. I was at the carnival with Rupert. Ahh, the carnival with Rupert...
[cutaway to Stewie and the man-version of Rupert seen in Stewie Loves Lois, playing a carnival game]
Stewie Griffin: We won! We won! Do it again, now I want a pink one!
Rupert: Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, okay. Do you wanna go ride the tea bags... tea cups?
Brian Griffin: Hey, where've you been?
Peter Griffin: Ah, I had another date.
Brian Griffin: You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would've wanted you to move on.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. My date was a stick figure.
[cutaway to Peter sitting at a table with a stick figure taken right from the drawing board]
Peter Griffin: So, uh, I-h-how would this work, in-in bed?
Stick Figure [in a generic man's voice]: Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.
Peter Griffin: That, uh, that sounds--
Stick Figure: Yes, it is very unpleasant.
Stewie Griffin: Hello, mother. [Lois, looking out on the horizon, turns around to see Stewie standing behind her]
Lois Griffin: Stewie?! What the hell are you... how did you get here?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, Lois. With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny!
Peter Griffin: Okay, explain to me what exactly I did wrong.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that story was completely inappropriate!
Peter Griffin: Well, send me the crap to Hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage.
Lois Griffin: You've totally ruined this trip for me! I am mortified to even show my face around this ship!
Peter Griffin: Hey, the captain's the one who should be embarrassed. His story was gay.
Lois Griffin: YOU'RE gay!
Stewie Griffin: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brassiere!
Brian Griffin: Oh, ho-ho!
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: No, no, nothing, nothing. That's-thats all part of your diabolical plan to... humiliate her!
Stewie Griffin: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated!
Brian Griffin: Maybe you'll hand-cuff her; She'll hate that.
Stewie Griffin: Then I shall do that as well!
Brian Griffin: And call her a bitch.
Stewie Griffin: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian Griffin: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, and then ... what?
Brian Griffin: No, I mean, that-that would, like ... that, that would show her!
Stewie Griffin: Are you... You're getting some kind of sick, sexual thrill off this, aren't you?
Brian Griffin: What are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me! when she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails! Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed!