Family Guy Quotes (Page 14)
Glenn Quagmire: All right, ladies. Are you ready for action?
Random woman in Quagmire's bed: We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the "hwip"?
Glenn Quagmire: Got it right her... wait, what?
Lois Griffin: Brian, did you get into the garbage last night?
Brian Griffin: Uh, no. Why?
Lois Griffin: Don't lie to me, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm not lying...
Meg Griffin: Hi, honey.
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: I was thinking about our kiss last night... I never knew how flat and wide your tongue was.
Brian Griffin: Yeah...
Meg Griffin: You know, I thought about how you stood up for me at the dance and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Brian Griffin: Well, Meg, uh... you know what's strange? Uh, I... I think I might be gay. Uh, I... I saw this penis on the Internet today and I thought to myself, "Well, that's... that's just fine."
Joe Swanson: Welcome to the Police Academy. We're gonna start by learing how to do a cavity search. Peter, you will be the police officer, and Quagmire, you will be the suspect. Begin.
Peter Griffin: [puts on rubber glove] Sir, I suspect you are in possession of drugs, and I'm gonna have to give you a full cavity search. Drop your pants.
Joe Swanson: Uh, Peter, you don't have to pull YOUR pants down.
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry, I'm still learning.
Joe Swanson: All right, start the search.
Connie D'Amico: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay.
[she and another couple laugh]
Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie D'Amico: Excuse me?
Meg Griffin: Brian, let's just go.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no, no, no, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19 you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that, am I in the ballpark?
Stewie Griffin: Here she is! Brian, I present to you your polished turd for the evening.
Meg Griffin: How do I look, Brian?
Brian Griffin: Ahhhhhhh, you sure do, Meg.
Stewie Griffin: FYI, the carpet matches the drapes. In color and quantity. You ever seen a blacksmith's apron?
Brian Griffin: Oh, I'm sure you'll find someone to go with you.
Meg Griffin: No, I won't! I'm so fat and gross!
Brian Griffin: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
Meg Griffin: I should just kill myself!
Brian Griffin: Awwwwwwwwwww... that's... c'mon...
Meg Griffin: I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna kill myself, 'cause no one will go with me! [
Brian Griffin: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... Meg? Stop it. C'mon. Alright, alright Meg, look... what if I... what if I drove you and walked in with you or whatever -
Meg Griffin: Brian, will you go with me?!
Brian Griffin: Are you gonna kill yourself if I don't?
Meg Griffin: Yeah!
Brian Griffin: Well, then my hands are pretty much tied!
Brian Griffin: Hello? Oh, hey, Jillian, what's up?
Jillian: Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight?
Brian Griffin: Uh... what time does it start?
Jillian: 10:00, Eastern and specific time.
Brian Griffin: What? What did you say, "specific" time? Don't you mean Pacific time?
Jillian: No, I think it's called specific time. They mean it starts specifically at 10.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. That-w-what-hey, hey, hey! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get out of here!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I don't care what Mayor West has done. You can't just break the law!
Peter Griffin: Sure I can, I've been doing it all week. Like yesterday, I started a lovable gang of c**kney pickpockets.
