Family Guy Quotes (Page 17)
Brian Griffin: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smuckers?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, it's been on my crotch!!!
Lois Griffin: All right, Peter, you ready for role-playing night? Here comes Grimace! [Lois is dressed in a Grimace costume] Ya got some hamburgers I can steal, huh?
Peter Griffin: Lois, the Hamburglar steals hamburgers. Grimace is Ronald McDonald's autistic friend.
Peter Griffin: From now on, I too will be "obstinent".
Meg Griffin: Abstinent.
Peter Griffin: Absent.
Meg Griffin: Abstinent.
Peter Griffin: You're grounded.
Peter Griffin [reading Meg's sex pamphlet]: "If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it." Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything!
• Vote for this Quote! • July 24th, 2007 Brian Griffin: Don't worry about it. I'm sure it'll be a while before you lose another tooth.
Stewie Griffin: I can't wait for that. I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself! But to catch a fairy, I have to think like a fairy.
Announcer: If you want Brian to say, "Well, that'll be a stretch", text-message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say, "I'm not touching' that one", text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say, "Arriba!" and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. Thanks for voting.
Brian Griffin: Arriba!
Announcer: We now return to "Rodney King of Queens."
Woman: Rodney, did you take out the trash?
Rodney King: Um... I forgot. [woman starts beating him with a rolling pin]
Mayor Adam West: [laughs] Oh, no she di-in't!
Pizza Delivery Man: [at door] Pizza for Adam West.
Mayor Adam West: NO! You gave me Canadian bacon instead of bacon? This misdeed cannot go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker at the hands of my cat launcher! [grabs a bag of cats and shoots them at the man using a crossbow]
[later]
Mayor Adam West: Damn, I lost him. Alright cats, back in the bag. Come on Fluffy, come on Mittens, come on Paul. Haha, what a ridiculous name for a ca-at. PAUL! That's a person's name! A person's name! Hahahahaha! Oh! Paul...
Stewie Griffin: [singing, to the tune of Gary Numan's "Cars"]:
Brian had sex...
With a really dumb girl...
Now he's taking his friend Stewie...
To get some ice cream...
In his car...
Stewie Griffin [half-asleep]: Huh? Mmm... What the hell? It took you three hours to break up with her?
Brian Griffin: Uh... not exactly.
Stewie Griffin: Well, what were you doing in there? What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame.
Brian Griffin: Yep.
Stewie Griffin: Dude, that was painful.
Brian Griffin: What are you doing here? Did you follow us?
Stewie Griffin:Brian, why can't you just admit what's going on here?
Brian Griffin: Okay, okay. Fine. Fine. I'm gonna have to break it off. But, boy, it's gonna be tougher than the reviews for Our American Cousin.
[Cut to backstage where the cast read the newspaper]
Man: Blah, blah, blah, "Lincoln assassinated," blah, blah, blah, "Tragedy for our Republic." Uh... oh, look! "Ably performed by the entire ensemble."
Other Actors: That's us! That's all of us!
Stewie Griffin: So, Jillian, what are your views regarding Homeland Security? Do you think we should support what the president is doing?
Jillian: Well, I just think, for starters, that sometimes the government has things they can't tell us, and "truthishly", we should just accept that.
Brian Griffin: Okay, good night, everyone.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget: Do you know what the capital of this state is?
Jillian: Um, Rhode Island City?
Stewie Griffin: It's like she's f**king five!
