Family Guy Quotes (Page 9)
Lois Griffin: Oh, God. I've been a worse wife than Lorena Bobbitt when she was married to The Thing.
[cut to The Thing, looking for something]
The Thing: Oh my God, where is it? Where'd she throw it? Oh, God! Oh, God!
Lois Griffin: Are you asking me what I think you're asking me?
Bill Clinton: Well, that depends on what your definition of the word "Jizz" is.
Bill Clinton: Hey Lois, you up for a little "Exit Polling" ?
• Vote for this Quote! • July 26th, 2007 Peter Griffin [walks in on Bill and Lois]: Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois' purse. I don't think she'll notice 'cause she's here, humping you?!
Lois Griffin: [gasps] Peter, look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and-and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill, except... I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in U.S. History and... he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to it's lowest level in 33 years!
Bill Clinton: Thirty-five years.
Lois Griffin: Thirty-five years, Peter!
Peter Griffin: Well, Well. I learned something today. Apparently there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows, and then there's the dark, sex-crazed side only I know!
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • July 26th, 2007 Bill Clinton: Hey, you up for a little NAFTA?
Lois Griffin: What's that?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon F**king That Ass! [chuckles]
Brian Griffin: Ahh, ahh, what the hell?!
Lois Griffin: No! No! You do not go on this lawn! Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift.
[cut to the living room on Christmas Day]
Lois Griffin: Oh, what is it, a little birdie? Ah... oh, my God, it's dead! [she picks it up; everyone but Chris and Stewie hold their nose] Brian! Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting! Oh, my God, Get it out if here!
Brian Griffin: I'm... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you'd like it.
Chris Griffin: [opens his present, a dead cat] Brian, I love it! I'm gonna call you Sticky head. I love you, Sticky head.
Peter Griffin [about to lift Bill Clinton's limo]: Alright, boys, now watch how this is done. The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. AHHHHHH!
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • July 26th, 2007 Meg Griffin [typing on laptop]: Don't mind me, you guys. I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. [types aloud] "Dear My Boyfriend, thank you for making out with me recently on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me were really pretty. Just like you said I am. Love, Meg."
Chris Griffin: Meg, you are so full of crap. You're like those people who sit in Starbucks and publicly write on their laptops.
[cut to Starbucks, where two men are typing on laptops]
Man 1: Hey, gettin' some writing done there, buddy?
Man 2: Yeah, settin' up in public so everybody can watch me type my big screenplay.
Man 1: Me too. All real writers need to be seen writing, otherwise, what's the point, right?
Man 2: You should totally write that down.
Man 1: Okay. Will you watch me?
Lois Griffin: Brian, what is this on my shoe?
Brian Griffin: My poop?
Lois Griffin: [grabs a Kleenex and wipes her shoe] That's right, and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learn to use the toilet like everyone else.
Stewie Griffin: [grabs Kleenez] Ah, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze! [grabs Lois' Kleenex and sneezes] Ah-choo! [sees what was on it] AHHHHHHHHHH!!