Scrubs Quotes (Page 4)
Jordon: Welcome home Perry. Here's the new program: You occasionally lift a finger helping with Jack, and I'm gonna try and keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly that's made my ass so big I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee eight hundred times a day.
• Vote for this Quote! • July 5th, 2007 [While cleaning up after a party for old gay men]
J.D.: Ooh, appletini! When did they start drinking straight guy drinks?
Elliot: Okay, guess what flavor baby food this is?
Keith: Cab driver feet?
Dr. Briggs: [to adolescent patient] As part of your treatment, I'm going to ask that you masturbate five times a week.
J.D.: [trying to make patient less uncomfortable]Wow, five times a week, huh? For me that would be cutting back.
J.D. voiceover: ...he said in front of his soon-to-be girlfriend.
J.D.: Gloria, I need you to change the dressing on Mr. Curtis's wound.
Gloria: And I need you to suck it!
J.D.: Wow, Gloria, do you kiss your great-great-great-great-great-grandkids with that mouth? Zoom-zoom-zoom!
Jack: I pooped in my bed so I put it on the TV
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • July 5th, 2007JD(To a depressed, drunken Dr. Cox.): I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come in before was because of you coming into work drunk. But that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time, I still think of you as like this super hero, who will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know? And I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients, but because after 20 years of being a doctor, when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's the kind of doctor I want to be.
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • July 5th, 2007 Parent: Why would anyone smother their own child?
JD: Actually, there's a disease called Munchausen syndrome, where parents deliberately harm their own children just to get attention for themselves.
Parent: I've never heard of that. Somebody should do a public service announcement on it.
[scene switches to JD's imagination]
JD: You had a tough day at the office, so you come home, make yourself some dinner, smother your kids, pop in a movie. Maybe have a drink. It's fun, right? Wrong. Don't smother your kids. [Walks away, NBC's 'The More You Know' Logo comes up.]
[scene returns to the hospital]
JD: The problem would be gone forever!
Turk: How the hell am I supposed to cry?
Janitor: You need to cry, let's brainstorm. I could hit you over the head with a wrench, or... [turns wrench around to reveal a knife on the other end] I could stab you in the gut with a knife. [sings] Knife-Wrench! Practical and safe. {tries to slip the knife-wrench in his pocket, but stabs his leg.)
Carla: Now Dr. Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's got Jack, plus... she's not that emotionally available.
Jordan: [smiling] I'm dead inside!
