Scrubs Quotes (Page 9)
Turk's Narration: From the moment I woke up this morning, I have been freaking out about getting married. Luckily, Carla's being cool.
[Carla enters from the bedroom.]
Carla: OK, this is your last chance to uninvite that slut you went out with in high school.
Turk: She's married to my brother.
Carla: Isn't that convenient.
Turk's Narration: Thank God she thinks that hot chick Tina I invited is my cousin. Well guess what, there's no blood there, baby!
Carla: Oh, and by the way, don't think for a second that your "cousin" Tina is gonna be sitting at our table.
Turk's Narration: Oh my God, she's in my head! It's OK--use it to your advantage. Make me a grilled cheese sandwich, woman!
Carla: Make it yourself.
Turk's Narration: [screams]
J.D.: Laverne, what would you give me if I got this jellybean in your cleavage?
Laverne: A concussion.
Dr. Cox: Bob, I cannot believe you’re going to turn this hospital into a money-making machine that coerces people into spending their hard-earned cash on expensive procedures they don’t even need.
Dr. Kelso: Why not? It sounds like something I’d do.
Dr. Cox: I can’t believe Kelso really asked my opinion, y’know?
Janitor: If I wanted to listen to someone yap on about their problems, I’d be at my AA meeting.
Dr. Cox: It just so happens that this was the only empty seat in the whole joint. Besides, as a fellow abusive drinker you are duty bound by bar stool protocol to listen to every last word that comes out of my mouth.
Janitor: [beat] Proceed.
Dr. Kelso: Do you think I got to be chief of medicine by being late?
Dr. Cox: No. You got there by back-stabbing and ass-kissing.
Dr. Kelso: Maybe so, but I started those things promptly at eight.
Ted: You wanna quit? Then quit! But you sir are a Worthless Peon! And you will always will be a Worthless Peon! [hangs up the phone, turns to Dr. Kelso] Sir, you know my band? The Worthless Peons. Well, Chris from shipping and receiving wants to go solo. We lose him, we lose our sex appeal. He's the only one with hair. What do you think I should do?
Kelso: Ted you know my rule about personal problems. I'm not interested unless it involves my loved ones. Or possibly my wife.
Turk: You know Elliot, you are eventually going to have to take off your sock.
Elliot: If I do, then from now on when one of you guys look at me all you're going to think of me as giant gross foot. It's like that security guard with the hook for the hand. All everybody thinks when they look at him is, big giant afro.
Carla: I do think that.
[J.D. steps out of the shower wearing a pair of shorts. Dr. Cox and Ben look at him, puzzled.]
J.D.: What? They're my shower shorts.
[Later]
Dr. Cox: Those are the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. [referring to shorts]
J.D.: You know you're right. I was an idiot to buy these shower shorts. I mean it's not like they come with a complimentary shower wallet. [Produces wallet attached to shorts via elastic cord, which snaps back at him] Ow.
[Later]
Dr. Cox: Shower Shortz?
J.D.: [Advertisement voice] For the man who has nothing to hide. But still wants to.
[J.D. and Turk are watching kites fly outside]
J.D.: I hate missing practice.
Turk: Me too.
J.D. and Turk: Mighty Kites!
[J.D. and Turk touch fists and form their hands into the shape of flying birds]
Turk: If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.
Carla: That's sweet - while your mother lays there dying!
Turk: [to J.D.] Tell her.
J.D.: His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.
Turk: It'd be awkward at first but, I'd make it work... because I love my mom.
J.D.: Mmm... and I would love her too!
Carla: New low.
