Seinfeld Quotes (Page 21)
Elaine: We gotta see the new baby anyway, at least we'll get a weekend in the Hamptons out of it.
Jerry: Didn't they just have a baby?
Elaine: That was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree, you gotta see the Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!'
Jerry: Is it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit them?
Jerry: [stand-up] I was in a hotel the other day, and on the back of the door in the hotel they have the fire map. I'm flattered that they think I have it together enough to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the stairs, right by the candy machine...' I'd probably get lost, have to go back to the room, check the map again...and they always tell you, no matter what, whatever you do in a hotel fire - do not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to live, I've never panicked in my whole life - it's my option. Even if they find you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee, I heard they saved you swingin' from the shower curtain naked with an ice bucket on your head. What happened there?' 'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.'
• Vote for this Quote! • June 28th, 2007 Jerry: [about Toby] She got the promotion?
Elaine: Yep.
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Jerry: Too bad.
Elaine: Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for?
Jerry: Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'
Elaine: Why don't you just shut the f-
George: Well, what about the toe? What happened to the toe?
Kramer: Well! I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line.
George: You did all this... for a pinky toe?
Kramer: Well, it's a valuable appendage.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy" - I knocked him out cold!
George: How could you do that?!
Kramer: Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.
George: You're Batman.
Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept makin' all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringin' the bell!
Kramer: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.
George: That's unbelievable!
Kramer: Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
George: You ran?
Kramer: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it."
George: Holy cow!
Jerry: So you feel "women and children first," in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion.
George: To some degree.
Jerry: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves.
George: In a manner of speaking.
Jerry: Well, it's honest.
George: Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.
Jerry: Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently.
George: Perhaps.
Robin: But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic! I saw you knock them down! And when you ran out, you left everyone behind!
George: Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George: It's not easy.
George: I... was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety.
Robin: But you yelled "get out of my way!"
George: Because... because, as the leader... if I die... then all hope is lost! Who would lead? A clown? Heh. Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?
Eric: Well, what is he?
George: Yes, he's a clown!
Eric: Alright, so what's the big deal? There's millions of clowns.
George: Alright, just forget it.
Eric: Me forget it? You should forget it! You're livin' in the past, man! You're hung up on some clown from the '60s, man!
George: Alright, very good, very good... go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric! What kind of name is that for a clown, huh?
