Drug Testing Quotes
Dwight: Oscar went to Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to an United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.
• Vote for this Quote! • June 27th, 2007 Ryan: Hey, are you guys hiring?
Linda: You want to work at the urine analysis lab?
Ryan: [nervously] Yeah. Maybe.
Michael: So, you are all going to have a drug test. And I am not.
Dwight: No, you will be tested.
Michael: Yes, I will not be.
Dwight: No, you will be. That is the law, according to the rules.
Michael: OK, well, Dwight, just know that I've been very busy today, and I've got a lot of work to do, and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything's going to come out.
Michael: Okay, attention everyone. The drug testing has been canceled. Instead I will be going around to each of you, and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight: No, you can't do that.
Michael: I can do that, it's my office...and...
Dwight: [interrupting] No you cannot. It has to be official, and IT HAS TO BE URINE.
Dwight: I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.
• Vote for this Quote! • June 27th, 2007Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.
• Vote for this Quote! • June 27th, 2007 [Dwight is dressed in a deputy's uniform]
Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight: Thanks, girl.
Jim: I'm just saying you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim: [holds up picture] Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight: I would remember.
Jim: How could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That's not how it works!
Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off! OK, now I am interviewing you!
Jim: No, you said that I'd be conducting the interviewing when I walked in here. [raising voice] NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE?
Dwight: OK. I'm going to have to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer (I know several) what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way.
