The Simpsons Quotes (Page 83)
Dr. Wolfe: How often do you brush, Ralph?
Ralph: Three times a day, sir.
Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?
Ralph: You're right. I don't brush. [starts to cry] I don't brush!
Dr. Wolfe: Let's look at a picture book. The "Big Book of British Smiles".
[Dr. Wolfe takes out a book and shows Ralph page after page of decaying, rotten British smiles.]
Ralph: [crying] That's enough! That's enough.
Kent Brockman: Tonight, on Smartline: the power plant strike: argle-bargle, or fooferah? With us tonight are plant owner C. Montgomery Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers.
Dr. Joyce Brothers: I brought my own mike.
Brockman: Yes, well... Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur...
[Homer screams.]
Brockman: OK, my director is telling me not to talk to you anymore...
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Brockman: Mr. Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade?
Mr. Burns Yes, thank you Kent. In 15 minutes I will unleash a terrible vengeance on this city. No one will be spared! NO ONE!
Brockman: [chuckling] A chilling vision of things to come.
Homer: [thinking to himself] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: [thinking to himself] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: [thinking to himself] My God! He is coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [laughs and winks]
Homer: [screams on the inside] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these back door shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
Homer: Hey, what does this job pay?
Carl: Nothin'.
Homer: D'oh!
Carl: Unless you're crooked.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Carl: As you know, our president, Chuckie Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all prayin' he'll turn up soon, alive and well.
[Everyone laughs]
Carl: All right, all right. But seriously...
Mr. Burns: Where is that union representative, Smithers? He's twenty minutes late!
Smithers: I don't know, sir. He hasn't been seen since he promised to clean up the union.
[A football player is seen running down a field, then trips over what is obviously a body buried under the field.]
Football player: What the hell?
A worker in 1909: You can't treat the working man this way. One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Burns's grandfather: The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish-tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!
Mr. Burns: [to Smithers, in the present] If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.
Homer: Well, time to go to work.
Homer's brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan.
Homer's brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing! [Camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say anything] Well, off to the plant.
Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
Homer's brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?
Homer: I've got to think of a lie fast!
Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
Homer: Aah! [Runs off.]
[edit]
[After agreeing to give up beer for a month, Homer pours the last six-pack into the kitchen sink.]
Homer: Well, beer...we've had some great times...
[Singing, to the tune of "A Very Good Year."]
Homer: When I was seventeen / I drank some very good beer / I drank some very good beer that I purchased with a fake I.D. / My name was Brian McGee / We stayed up listening to Queen / Whe I was seventeen...
[Homer tries to flee the Power Plant. A giant spider blocks his way. He consults his map...]
Homer: To overcome the Spiders curse, simply quote a Bible verse...ummm..."Thou shall not..."
[He gives up, picks up a rock and throws it at the spider, killing it.]