The Simpsons Quotes (Page 84)
Lisa: Cheif Wiggum, how did you get these tickets?
Cheif Wiggum: Krusty knows how to play ball.
[Flashback: Krusty sits in a porno theater. Wiggum enters behind him.]
Cheif Wiggum: Ahhh...nothin' beats a good porno movie!
Krusty: (startled) Cheif Wiggum! Is this a bust?
Cheif Wiggum: Uh, yeah. That's what it is, a bust.
[Back to reality...]
Lisa: That story isn't appropriate for children!
Cheif Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
Lisa: I don't even know if I should go. I don't even like him!
Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest! I'll go, disguised as you!
Lisa: But what if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice!
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss!?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice!
Lisa: What if he...
Bart: You don't wanna know how far I'll go!
Ralph Wiggum: My doctor says I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I just kept my finger out of there.
• Vote for this Quote! • July 16th, 2007 Krusty: And now it's time for my favorite part of the show! (reading cue card) Whazzat say? "Talk to the audience!?" Oh-ho God, this his always death! Alright!
[Krusty wanders through the crowd. He makes is way toward Ralph and Lisa.]
Lisa: (quietly) Oh, no! Please don't show me with Ralph!
Krusty: What's your name, young man?
Ralph: Ralph!
Lisa: Ohhhh....
Krusty: And is this your *girlfriend* Ralph?
Ralph: Yes! I love Lisa Simpson and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her!
Lisa: NNNNOOOOOOOOOO! Now you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you! And the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!
[The action stops. Bart and Lisa are watching the incident on tape. Bart has the remote.]
Bart: Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the exact moment when his heart rips in half. Aaaaaannnnndddd....there!
Lou: There's two guys fighting at the aquarium Chief.
Cheif Wiggum: Do they still sell those frozen bananas?
Lou: I think so.
Cheif Wiggum: Let's roll!
Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.
[shot of Godzilla appears in the background]
Kent Brockman: Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. Alright we could use some names, I.P freely. uh-GRRR!!!
Pepi: Your son Bart sounds very bad.
Homer: Oh, he is.
[Fantasy sequence: Homer and Bart sit at the breakfast table]
Homer: Bart, I just want to say that I love you.
Bart: (picks up his grapefruit & hit's Homer's face with it) SHADDUP!!!
[Back in reality...]
Homer: mmmm.... grapefruit.
Homer: [Bent over a fire hydrant] This is even more painful than it looks.
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • July 16th, 2007 (Bart and Lisa stare at Homer, who just ate the disgusting sandwich)
Bart: Oh great, Dad's dead.
Lionel Hutz: I'm Lionel Hutz, the executor of Miss Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pushing this button! (presses play) Pretty sweet, eh?
Aunt Gladys: I'd like to start by reading a poem by Robert Frost..."Two roads divulged in a yellow wood, and I..."(video goes into fast forward mode)
Marge: Homer!
Homer: (holding remote control) All those in favor of skipping the poem? (everyone agrees) Thank you!
Aunt Gladys: "...and that has made all the difference." Now, let's get down to business, shall we? First...(Lionel Hutz' voiceover) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $40,000.
Marge: Mister Hutz!
Lionel Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that actually works. You really would!