Two and a Half Men Quotes
Charlie: I'll admit you're kookie Judith. But compared to our mother you're like a fart in a hurricane.
• Rating 3.9 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • August 27th, 2007Charlie: The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.
• Rating 1.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • August 27th, 2007 Herb: I’m a doctor!
Kandi: A real one, or like Alan?
Herb: I’m a pediatrician.
Kandi: Wow, so you’re into feet.
Herb: No, children.
Kandi: Isn’t that illegal?
Dorothy: Listen, Alan, I’m looking for my daughter.
Alan: Drunk Blond?
Dorothy: Well, she isn’t always blond.
Kandi: Ouch.
Alan: What?
Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist?
Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.
Charlie: And here's another fun fact. I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you too.
Alan: (scoffs again, and again does the math and smiles) That is a fun fact!
Charlie: Hey, here's a fun fact. You're sleeping with a girl who was born when you were in Junior High, and yet there's a good chance she lost her virginity before you did.
• Rating 2.8 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • August 27th, 2007 Charlie: Alan, there comes a time in every man’s life when he has to make a choice; does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab it's pert little ass.
Alan: What am I supposed to do, walk into my son’s birthday and say "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous twenty-two year old woman I'm having sex with."
Charlie: Oh don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it, you just want them to know where yours has been.
Charlie: Rose has a boyfriend.
Alan: A real one or like Toby the astronaut?
Rose: I have a new man in my life.
Evelyn: Does the man know yet?