Weeds Quotes (Page 2)
Tennis Pro: That's why I'll never marry.
Celia Hodes: No, you just f**k the married, and then I have to watch it on video.
Celia Hodes: I followed Dean here, did you see him?
Nancy Botwin: Yes, I did, they were playing poker.
Celia Hodes: Oh, great, now he's going to come home broke, stinking of marijuana. Guess that's better than oriental p***y.
Nancy Botwin: Nice, Shane goes on a paint rampage, gets suspended. The two of you ditch school to f**k in my guest room. I've got everything under control.
Quinn: But don't you see, technically we're not under your roof.
Andy Botwin: [to Shane, re: masturbating] Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4-5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your d**k like a f**kin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack catchers - specifically, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Okay. Class dismissed.
• Rating 5.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • August 27th, 2007Quinn: Can we have sex in your house?
• Rating 1.0 / 5 • Vote for this Quote! • August 27th, 2007Nancy Botwin: You promised me no kids.
Josh Wilson: Yeah, but they all want it, and they cry if you say no!
Quinn: Ok, we are breaking up.
Silas Botwin: Come on, think of all the time this will save us on foreplay, just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," I'll be good to go.
Quinn: I could whisper, "Linoleum" and you'd be good to go.
Nancy Botwin: You listen, you stay away from my customer base. Don't deal to kids.
• Vote for this Quote! • August 27th, 2007Andy Botwin: How can you be so blindly pro-Bush?
Doug Wilson: I like his wife Laura... I used to buy weed from her at SMU.
Doug Wilson: Nance, trust me, a bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money.
• Vote for this Quote! • August 27th, 2007
